Feel the fury…


My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.









Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH





Can we talk

0?????????????  about it ???????????????

The “M” word and the “H” word that goes with it,

at least it does for me.

The “M” being Mania.

The “H” being Hyper-sexual.

When I am manic, I get very hyper-sexual.   If I am not paying attention to my thoughts, by the time I realize what is happening, I am already in the danger zone: the uncontrollable, impulsive, exciting, zone that comes with mania.  My mania.

I cannot and dare not  say we all experience all the same feelings and behavior as everyone else with bipolar.

This I do know.  I am not alone in this risky behavior.  Although I do not know anyone else, I do know that there are others who go through this only later to be embarrassed by the deeds we did when in this state of mind.

Each time it comes around, I take more and more chances with no thought of consequences.  You see, everything that we once agreed were logical becomes illogical and senseless to me and that which I once thought was illogical now become logical to me.  Because my brain now tells me everything is reverse in my thinking, why would there be negative consequences?

Mania is as if my brain lifts and shifts to the front of the lobe where impulsiveness is now the ruler of my mind and my actions.

I came to the conclusion today that when my mind is focusing on something else for a period of time, I have no idea what is going on until I am inviting strangers to my house.  I am talking about men that I meet online.  Before I know it, it is another and another.  Always a different one.  I realize that this dating site is merely a pick up site and now it is a hunting ground for me.

Time would escape me and days were now weeks in my sick mind.  When I did not hear from the same man in a short period of time, I would get very irate and let him know it because he should have called sooner, my brain says.  Later, when no longer manic, I realize what I thought was weeks  were only days and months had only been weeks. It seemed as though i had lived  for months this way only to later realize it had not been that long at all.

I would get wasted at night because I had no new emails from the site thinking no one else was interested.   One night I was so wasted I sent a nasty text to this one guy (I did not know even remember what the text said when he called to confront me moments after I must have hit the send button.

I would go out of town to meet someone for the first time and not tell my family or friends where I was going.  I told one person the first time I left town.  I gave very little information and thought nothing of spending the night at a stranger’s house the first day we met.

When my brain shifts again and goes back to well, I am disgusted by my actions and vow to not repeat those actions.

I usually tell my therapist most of what goes on, but you never tell anyone everything.  You keep a little part of every story hidden from others, including yourself.

 The memories of the things I did come back at a later time and I am very upset and disgusted in the pit of my stomach with myself.  I know this is not the normal me.  I am not perfect but there are some things I normally would not do.

My therapist reminds me this is part of the illness.  I must try to remember it so I can try to self check my thoughts and movements a little better. Mostly, I try to remember it is part of the illness so that I do not get so disgusted with myself that I do not confront it.

Will I never experience hyper-sexuality again?  I honestly do not know.

I might not or it might continue as a seasonal sequel that takes a rest during certain months.


love to all and hopefully not judged




Which way is up?

The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.

The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany.  My normal zany, just making people laugh.  Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing.  But this is normal for me.

Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes.  I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage.  I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one.  I cannot explain it.  My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.

I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel.  This is even more illogical than usual for mania.  I don’t understand it.  How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day.  It happens this way everyday for months.

Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again.  I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness.  It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise.  I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.

My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front.  The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center.  No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays.  It is the ruler.  I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.

Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me.  Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness.  Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now.  I am a grown woman.  Can we think of some other word to call it.  Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.

My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior.  Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness.  I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania.  I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends.  It is, what it is.

I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life.  I get up every morning and just keep it moving.  When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on.  I have to live and not worry about that.  I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock.  I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.

Honey, where are you?  🙂  Oh well, I guess he is not here yet.  He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.

pb: Love to all

Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.


Has anyone started a relationship since being diagnosed with mental illness?

I would like to know how hard is it to date when you have a mental illness?  When do you tell the person you have a mental illness?

I am sure it is not on the first date, maybe not the second.  Do you wait until things get serious?

Is there a certain amount of dates you go on before you tell them?

I am afraid of scaring the person off, but I would like to get to know them before I spring that on them.

If you are in a relationship, has having a mental illness had an effect on any part?

Is it possible to find someone who is patient and loving when you are having a manic episode or going through major depression?

Any answers or words of wisdom is appreciated.

love to all

pb: Persistent Pursuing my Passion to help others by giving them a hand up and walking with them on their journey to being mentally healthy.

Felt less than

Has anyone ever felt less than by someone else who has mental illness?

It never ceases to amaze me how some people with mental illness behave as though they are above someone else with a mental illness because they may be a therapist, counselor or in some other position in mental health.  Sometimes it may just be someone who works and looks down on someone who does may not be able to work because they are not yet stable with their illness.

We are all in the same boat regardless of what we do or do not do in life.

When you have a mental illness, you can be in the same position as the one you look down upon.

Everyone is in a different place on their recovery journey toward being mentally healthy and we all need to be remember that we have the right to be treated with the same respect and dignity as someone who is stable and can work and do all the things they want to do.

One day those who are struggling daily with their illness will reach a point of stability and be able to live above where they are now.  They will be able to work, to travel, to be left alone with grandchildren, to live alone, to do whatever the illness has put on hold for them now.

Be patient, not condescending.  Be encouraging and lift us up instead of putting us down with words or actions of ignoring us when we speak.  We are here.  We deserve to be heard just as you do..

Remember when you were not stable.  Remember when you were so depressed you did not know if you would ever have a “normal” life again.  Remember when you were manic and did things you knew were not normal for you to do but mania took over.

Remember, just remember and change how you treat us.

Mental illness has no boundaries how it treats us.  You can be depressed again and lose hope.  You can be manic again and cause destruction.  This is a lifetime thing with no guarantees of forever being well.

Remember and encourage, lift up and give a hand up.  Listen, respect and be there for those who are striving to be well.

love to all,

pb: Persistent Pursuing my Passion to help others on their journey to better mental health and a life they only dreamed of because of mental illness.

Getting it together

Wow.  It has been some year.  I don’t mean a calendar from January 2014 but a year from last September until today.

I have been feeling really good without a visit from depression and with only a couple of small episodes of mania.

When things happened this year that normally would have set me way back in the past,  happened, I bounced back quicker than I have in the past. Using the tools from my bipolar toolkit with additional skills learned from IOP last Oct and Nov and from COVA groups, I have been getting it together.

Understanding my illness better and knowing the difference between what is my personality and what is the illness has helped me grow as a person and has caused me to appreciate myself.  I really care about and love me, all of me: the good, the bad and the not so pretty parts that are a result of the bipolar.

I am learning to control my anxiety better by recognizing when something does not feel right and addressing it sooner rather than later.  To address an episode of anxiety, I try breathing exercises: if that does not work, I take my medication before it gets worse and continue to breathe and talk my way through it.  I have to set boundaries with people that cause anxiety in me whether we are face to face or speaking over the phone.  Communication with these people have to be kept to a minimal for my health.

I know that if I am in a situation (say a job) and start feeling anxious and breathing exercises are not working and I cannot calm down by talking with one of my support people, then I know it is time to remove myself from that situation.  If I stay in it and have to take anxiety medication on a regular basis, it is time to remove myself.

Case in point:  Over the summer I had a part-time job.  From the first day, I got an anxious knot in my stomach but I thought it would go away.  At the time I started the job, I had stopped taking anxiety medication.  Soon after starting the job, I had to start back taking it on a regular basis.  I started feeling heaviness on my chest the night before work and on the morning of. When taking 1 to 2  pills a day as prescribed did not help, I knew it was time to leave.  I got it together quit and have never looked back,

Getting out of the house everyday (one of my goals for mental maintenance)  and having a place to go that feels like home has help make a difference in my life.  I am surrounded by peers who understand me without explanation and it feels great.

I have and continue to learn who I am, what is me and what is my illness.  Learning helps me make better choices and when I can’t quite figure something out, I have people I can run things by and their suggestions give me food for thought.  Making decisions are not based on circumstances alone or what may seem logical in general,  but also on how they will affect my mental health.

I am getting it together.  I am finally on a journey to living my dreams instead of just dreaming.

Depression and Mania, you are no longer in control.  Though you might rear your ugly head, you will not win.  I have weapons (tools and people) to fight you and fight I will.

You do the same.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Feeling Alive Again

I am so happy to be at a place called COVA.  It is a place that help people with mental, emotional and other illnesses to get prepared to go back to work or to stay at work.

I used to think going back to work just meant doing a resume the way I used to, looking online for a job, sending out my resume to whatever seemed like a job I could do and wait for a call for an interview (like the old days when I used to work.).  This worked years ago and I never had trouble getting a job, keeping it was the problem due to my illness (that I did not know I had at the time).

Attending groups at COVA has helped me understand that there is more to going back to work after a long absence due to mental illness than the above process I used to follow.

I need to do things differently now.  There is a right way to do a resume that will get you a call for an interview and a wrong way that gets your resume in the trash can file immediately.

With a mental illness I also need to learn my triggers to mania, depression and PTSD and how to handle them before they happen.   I need to develop a plan that will help me get over the hump of these things and allow me to keep working.  I have to know when and how to set boundaries when working so that I continue to take care of myself.  This plan will also include ways to keep me from responding to things that happen around me that may trigger a PTSD episode.

The groups at COVA teach me how to make a plan to maintain wellness not just for working but for every aspect of my life.  This allows me to have control of my illness instead of it having control of me.

Learning my personality will allow me to select a job that I will be successful at keeping.

Leaning to do a resume the right way, gives me confidence that I have the ability to work and be even more productive than I was before my illness became full blown and took center stage. 

Everyday I talk to someone here who encourages me without even realizing that that is what they are doing.  I feel good about myself again.  I am doing something productive by working toward my goal of finding work and keeping work.  I am going to have a career that I like, not a job that I hate.  Eventually I will even go back to school and get my degree in Social Work.  Baby steps, but at least I’m moving forward.  

I am going to use all the tools available to me and be successful at whatever I do.

Yes, there will be times that symptoms come to surface but I will handle them with support from everyone who has been an encouragement to me.

I feel alive.  I am alive.  I am living and it is wonderful.  Whatever comes, I now that I will have the tools and the strength to make it through.  So do you.  Go after your goals.  Don’t just dream a dream, live your dream.

Love to all

pb aka peanut butter