Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.


Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.


Afraid for love to find me

0519ad7f45b8bd8655979ccd7df7e3bd274216-wmThere are days I long for someone understanding of my bipolar,  to find me and love.

Most days I am sure that there is no one who is willing to  deal with or love me as a person with the ups and downs that come with the day to day uncertainly of bipolar mood swings.

I tried it once and it did not work out for many reasons.  Yet I feel that I have to a lot to offer in spite of my mental illness.  The symptoms of the illness may be stable for a while and then decide to show up. The symptoms are what happens but do not define me or what I have to offer someone.

Just because my love is there when things are  fine, will he still be there when I go from one end of the roller coaster to the next.

Will he grow tired of riding it out with me?  Will he have enough and regret his relationship with me.  Will he stay with me being unhappy and ruining any chance of happiness with someone.

I want love to be in a lover’s arm and feel secure that they will love me enough to be strong to ride the waves for me.  I think that is too much to hope.  If they stay, they may ruin their life.  If they go, it may feel like my life is ruined.  I don’t want to find love only to  have it leave in order to not ruin their life and find someone new.

The illustration says it all except more accurately my statement is:

I live with bipolar and want to someone to love and love me.  I am afraid for love to find me because I feel somewhere between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, I am afraid to give and receive love because I do not want to ruin their life.

Life is a gift and I try to treasure the present day as a such.  Yet, there are times when I long to be connected to someone who will not be afraid to stay no matter what end of the spectrum I am at because they will know we can make it together as long as we realize there is no guarantee  mania and depression will return.

Because he loves me and wants to only be with me, he will be beside during the highs and loves and be certain that no matter, I love and treasure him.

He take time to learn not only about the illness but how to help me through episodes, sometimes just being there and not saying a word.  Reassuring me of their love and not staying will not ruin their love but will make our love grow and our bond stronger.

I want to love, but will loving me cause him to one day feel like loving and being with me is ruining his life?

Time will tell, if I take the chance and accept love when it finds me



I can make it on my own….

One of my favorite songs is by Patti La belle: It’s a new day”

I am going to print the lyrics and put them in my car and on my mirror and yes, even the door to the garage.

Everyday is a new day even though the bipolar is there and I don’t know how I will be that day.  Will I function well, be manic, depressed, have mixed episodes.  I don’t know and I am not silly enough to even try to think ahead and figure it out.  I just know that it is a new day and anything and everything good, bad and not so good can happen, but life is never boring.

One line of the song says,” I decided long ago, I can make it on my own.  Gonna be alright, gonna be alright, yeah”.

Today I realized how true that is.  I remembered that 10 years ago before I moved out of our marital home, I said to myself, I am going to be alright.  I can make it on my own.

Mary J Blige,” I can do bad all by myself”.  So, if I can do bad by myself, I damn sure can do good all by myself.

I have to be able to be alright and do good by myself before someone comes along.  He needs to see, damn she has what??? and has it together.  She is a fighter every day to live on her own terms despite the terms the bipolar sets for her.  I admire her spirit and tenacity and how she advocates for herself and others.  What an amazing woman.  I can love her through the ups and downs.  I may not know what to say at times, but I believe just being there for her without judgement, knowing it is her illness, will greatly help keep us together.

If no one comes along for a loving relationship, I am still gonna be alright.  Life is good whatever state of mind I am in because I was depressed, manic, suicidal,  had mixed episodes and rage.  I lost some relationships along the way, that will never be repaired.  I have had to accept that some people in my family do not understand, but it is what it is.  It is a sick part of my brain.  I am happy to know that it does not last forever.

I am reminded of a scripture in the bible says, God will put no more on us than we can bare.  Well, that has been true in the past and I have to keep holding on to that when I wonder how will I get through this because I am not only gonna be alright, even in the midst of chaos, I am alright because even though it does not feel like it at the moment, this depression or mania will pass.



Who can live with a person with bipolar?

The tears started to flow for no reason.  I know this type of crying is because of the bipolar.  It’s the one where you cry and cry for no reason, the tears will not stop despite what you do to distract yourself and you have that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach.  The one you cannot explain so people can understand.

I lit a candle to help focus on the flame as it appeared to dance for my pleasure, to make me stop crying and smile.  As the balloon with the saying I love floated toward the ceiling,  even that was trying to amuse me.

Neither worked very long.

Was it because I had a trigger earlier?  I was doing fine going about my morning routine and keeping track of time to make sure I did not miss my next med.  I sat down to do some paperwork and out of nowhere I started crying.  Try as hard as I might, the tears would not stop.  They were in control.

The trigger:  the continual thought living alone because of my mental illness.  That absolutely no one under any circumstance would want to deal with the “drama of bipolar” as I was told.  My answer was, true, but what do you think about the person that has to live with it everyday.

The sad truth that the only person that can tolerate living with me and my mood swings is someone who has them also.

The thought of this makes me ask God why do I have this love to give and no one to give it to, it does not seem fair.

A  man that I  was interested in (briefly) stated no one wanted to deal with drama of bipolar.  My comment: how do you think the person living with bipolar feels.  He had no answer.

Most people have their own thinking about mental illness do not want to date and sometimes do not want to have us as friends..Their loss, we are super people with a lot to contribute to this world.

Getting back to the question: Who can live with a person with  bipolar.  I don’t know.  So far I have not met anyone that wants a relationship with me (a companion)

Perhaps, I am meeting them  when I am manic and that may be the drama the man was speaking about.  Maybe I am telling them to soon about being bipolar


What am I doing wrong?

Does love come to people with bipolar?  Not the stars we  hear about on t.v. or see in the movies. But people who do not live in the limelight?

For anyone with a companion:  what advice do offer?  Is it a stable relationship?  Tell me what you can.

Am I doing it wrong or am I in all the wrong places?


Seeking love.







Proud of me and loving me

What I have learned about me.
I love who I am and make no apologies to anyone.
When you see me, you see the real me: the good, the bad and the not so good. So when you love me, you accept and love all of me.
When you have me as a friend, I am your friend for life and I have your back.
I am not perfect and I do not strive to be. It is am impossible task for me and I use my energy to perfect the areas that I am proficient in and learn things I currently have little or no knowledge about.
I try to love everyone with the love of God because my human love fails.
I am a Precious human being, created by the almighty God.
I am Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer to Specialist in Mental Health and AOD because everyone needs and deserves a hand up.
I am a Mental Health advocate because I am tired of stigma attached to it. My job is to educate people so they do not continue to stigmatize people who are just like everyone else without a mental illness.

Bipolar does not define who I am.  There are no two people with bipolar who are the same, just as no two people without mental illness are the same.  We are all unique individuals with a lot to give.

We all love and desire to be loved.  We need and want to be needed.  We appreciate and want to be appreciated.  We understand and want to be understood.  We hear and want to be heard.

We are just as proud of ourselves as anyone else.

Above all that I am, I AM UNIQUELY ME

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Midnight love

Midnight in Paris, Pont Gargliano
Midnight in Paris, Pont Gargliano (Photo credit: atl10trader)

It is called my midnight love because I woke up thinking about him past midnight, past 1 am.

I know he is close by.

I need to walk with my head raised at all times. Walk like the confident woman I am.

What he has to give me is not something that can be bought. It is a gift from him to me:

A gift that he has been waiting to give to the right woman.

When he sees me, he knows I am the one and he is not afraid to approach me.

He has been waiting for me to get myself together and now I am here.

At the right place, at the right time.

Manic-depression does not rule. I do and anxiety has been put in its place.

When it shows it’s ugly side he is not afraid.

He says: we are in this together.

He stays with me through the storm and he is not afraid. He cares for me and reassures me he will be there when it’s over.

He doesn’t always know what to do or what to say and neither do I,

but yet he remains and waits patiently for the storm to be over.

He keeps his hand outstretched to me and waits for the depression to pass.

When mania is present, he watches over and protects me from myself before it gets out of control.

He is always there with the toolkit waiting to hand me the tool I need for that storm.

He is forever my friend, my protector, my companion, my lover

pb tonight aka precious beauty

In despair, I write

Last night was very hard and I did not know if I would make it through the night.  Today is even harder, so in my despair I write because at least for the moment it is a safe place to be.  Right in front of the computer in front of the window with the sun shinning through.

Can anyone relate?

The night seemed so long as though daylight would never come.  Even though I knew it would, it still felt like it took forever for the day to break through.  I thought it could only get better, but bipolar fooled me and kept the switch in position to keep me rolling down.

The split of the pole: one side tells me its’ okay.  Everything is okay.  You will get through this.  Just breathe.  Take air in and let it out.  Focus on the breathing.  You know you are alive when you feel your stomach rise and go back in.

The other side says, all is hopeless.  Yes, the sun is shinning on the outside, but you are alone.  Alone all the time.  Even in a crowd, I am alone.  I have always felt alone, even while in the company of others, whether strangers or people I know.  One moment I am there in that place and the next I am in a world of loneliness, it becomes almost unbearable and I must remind myself to breathe.  To stay alive, I must breathe.  I must inhale and exhale over and over again.

The knot in my stomach won’t go away and despair seems to be growing larger than life itself.  I know, I must hold on to the here and the now, the reality of now.

I feel hopeless, alone, useless and even though I know it is a storm that will pass, it is still here.  No photos, no images, just blankness.

Depression: I am fighting so hard. Sometimes, I get tired of fighting.  How do I fight?  I get dressed, even if it takes all day, I find a way to get dressed.  I try to let the daylight in.  Sometimes its to much but I try anyway.  I make up my bed even though my eyes are filled with water.  The tears begin to come and I fight to hold them back while I hold my stomach.  The knot is growing bigger.  I want to hurt some part of my body to make the emotional pain stop.  I want to live.  I will live.  When the darkness of depression is no where around, I love life.  I love being hypo-manic compared to this.  It can see sunshine even in the rain and the darkness.

I don’t like this dark ave part of the road of depression.  It is a fight.  A hard fight and sometimes, it takes so much strength, that I need to find a life line.  Right now, this blog is my life line. It is keeping me here, in my chair where I am safe.

No harm can I do to myself if I am here with my fingers moving ever so quickly across the keyboard. I know there is someone who knows what I am talking about.  Maybe they will reach out.  Maybe not.  But I will keep fighting and I will be back to write about the victory of coming out of the storm.

The knot is still here.  The tears are still here, I want to escape.  I can see myself curled in the fettle position and rocking back and forth.  But I know I have been here before.  I must hold on, I will hold on.  I will do what it takes to keep from sinking.

Pray for me