Need opinion, especially from men

 

Women you are more than welcome to comment.  I would love to hear your answers if you have had a similar experience.

I was hyper-sexual during my manic episode (what else is new).  This time I fixated on the maintenance guy.

His kind spirit, raspy voice and goatee, made him very handsome and  irresistible.  I wanted him to notice me as more than a tenant.  I know he could not because of his job.

Still, I wanted to share myself and he share himself.  (I think you know what I mean)

With all the flirting back and forth, it was only a matter of time before something climatic would happen and when it did, I was the leader and he was the prisoner.  I could do whatever I wanted and I did.

Months later I realized I was manic when all this was going on.  I would send him insane text messages letting him know I wanted him.  (how sad that I did this)  The thing about sending scheduled text messages is that you never know when you said too much.  Oh boy.

I definitely said too much.  Poured out my heart.  Damn it.  It was unnecessary and embarrassing when I crashed from mania and realized I must have seemed very immature or just a horny tenant.

It left me feeling great and annoyed with myself  at the same time.

The sadness and annoyance I feel is that I was upset because I believe men do not think about sexual climaxes after much flirting.  They enjoy the chase and the capture and when all is done, that’s it.  It is only a brief memory, never to enter their thoughts again.

“Is that really how it is.  You flirt with her and things build and build until there has to be a climatic ending?”.

“Do you put your clothes on and say thank you and leave?  Is this a hit it and quit it?

How long will you remember that one and only sexual encounter?

Does it last beyond the minute it takes you to get out the door and poof, you forget about it.

Part 1

 

 

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Is my mind sick or is it just me

bipolar-symptoms-400x400

Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

Holiday: smile or tears

The start of the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving

Christmas

The New Year’s Eve Parties

These are really rough times for me:  crying for unexplained reasons.  Sadness creeping in to the point that I have to be aware on a daily basis all throughout the day that it could easily turn into depression.

These are the main times my thoughts are mixed.  On the one hand I desperately want and feel I need a special man in my life to remind me of how much he loves me and that we will get through this together.  We will find a way to make things stay stable so I don’t sink into that nasty depression.   His arms around me with my head on his shoulder will be comforting and reassuring.

On the flip side of the hand, I might be okay with not having anyone there. I don’t have to worry  if what I am going through will drive him away.  One more deep cutting hurt that only time will take away.  In the meantime, the pain in either case, is excruciating.  I cannot even begin to explain the how this pain feels.  I do not have anything to compare it to.

The difference is that with someone, I am not alone in the storm.  I have someone to hold onto tightly.

The second, not only am I in the storm alone, but I believe all the negative things the storm speaks to my mind.  The strongest thought: I will never have anyone in my life.  The first scenario will never materialize.  Any man seeing me in this situation will run.

So, what do I do????

I have to keep moving.  Stay on the move mentally that is.  When I drive, not only do I listen to music, I have to blast it.  Ironically, sometimes it chases away the sadness, even though it is but for a moment.

I have to be someone there are people.  We don’t have to socialize with each other, just knowing someone is there in the same building lets me know help (conversation, if I need it, is right around the corner).

Times like these (holiday season) I would almost rather be manic.  (Stable is preferable of course, enjoying the holidays would be great)  At least I would find projects to work on, even if I have to create them.  I would find things  comical and be able to socialize better.

But holiday season is never near the feeling of mania.  So, I take it day by day, trying to find things to help me get through the before 5pm part of the day and then the after 5pm part of the day.  Then there is the weekend.  No solution there just yet.

All in all.  I am constantly working on trying to find a solution.  I may never be happy holiday time (not even visiting with all my family) but I would like to be able to smile when around others.  A genuine smile.

I may not have expressed myself clearly.  The bottom line, I would much rather skips the holidays which is the depression season and go to the Spring (my manic season).  at least for a little while.  mania has its own problems.

I guess the real bottom line is that living with bipolar sucks.

 

 

A little lost

At one point I felt I was on a good path to doing some good things in my life to help other people.

Lately, I feel as though I am just walking in circles.  I have no idea what I am doing.

I feel as though my head is in a fog.  I have no idea what type of work to look for and that makes me a little sad.

I want to just pick up and leave everything I have and get in my car and drive until I reach a place that feels like home.

I need to feel the sun on my face everyday.

I want to see the ocean from the window of the beach house

I see myself walking along the edge where the water just touches the sand and the sandy golden retriever is right by my side.

I see myself in a white free flowing dress and big white hat, dancing on the beach while there is no one around.

At the end of the day, I see my few friends and I sitting around a fire, laughing, listening to music and dancing with the flame of the fire.

I see nothing beyond these things and that makes me feel lost because in reality, I cannot see any of these things.  I do not know how to make them happy.

Right now I am in limbo.  I still say, Life is Totally Awesome and it is.

For me though, there is something missing.

Do you ever feel like there is something spectacular missing in your life?

I know these dreams are not because of my mental illness, but yet I do not know where they come from.  Some of them have always been there.  These dreams are so vivid, I can almost touch the sand or pet the dog.

I long to be someone other than here.  Here in the state i live.  Here, other than in the state of mind of limbo I find myself in.  I am not manic, therefore I am not creative enough to think of how to make these things happen when there are no visible resources.

I am not depressed so I am not feeling hopeless like they will never happen.

Just in limbo.  Mental limbo.  This is what I envision, this is what is real, yet these dreams seem so out of reach.

confused??? so am I. 🙂

Trying to float without a life preserver

Two weeks ago I was rapid cycling everyday for 3 days in a row.  It was the worst depression I have ever felt all at once.  There was no building up to that moment of excruciating pain.  it just hit me and it was there full force.  It felt like opening a door where there was smoke and a full blown fire hit my whole body.

Now as I begin to tell what happened the feelings and emotions are coming back and I have decided I do not want to relive it.  I will say, it is something that I would not wish on anyone at all.

I miss having the internet at home.  Some say it is a luxury and it may be.  But for me it is a necessity.  Without it, I feel like I am in the water in the dark trying to float without a life preserver.

It keeps me safe from the grips of suicide when there is no one around who understands.  It keeps me safe from thinking of ways to kill myself so that by the time anyone finds me it will be too late to save me.

When a plan begins to formulate in my mind, I get on the internet and begin to post.  I post how I am feeling and I write and write until the noose of suicide is taken from my neck or rather from my thought process.

When the pain is not so great, in the beginning, and suicide tries me to see if I will bite, it is easy to say, I have a lot of living to do.  But when the depression gets loud and overshadows my thinking it takes hearing a voice outside of my own to pull me back from the edge.

Rapid cycling: up and down the see saw of bipolar on the same day.  Manic and depressed to the extreme of each on the same day.  For me, it is not only mentally and physically draining but dangerous as well.

Lately, it seems as though tears have taken the place of laughter and sadness stays longer than joy

I am persistently seeking ways to stay motivated to live life to the fullest regardless of the obstacles called waves (bipolar or other mental illness) that keep pushing me in every direction except the one I want to go in.

Yet I hold to my mantra:” Life is totally awesome”  and that’s because I am still alive.
It bears repeating:  some days the pain is unbearable and I wish I could end it.  The thought of all the pain and questions that I would leave behind as well as the whole in the lives of people I love, slowly puts things into perspective.

After days even months of bearing pain that is worse than labor pains and as much as I hate making this type of comparison, it can sometimes feel worse than the pain of losing someone very dear to you.  You know that pain will subside.  It may never go away, but may become bearable where you can begin to fill alive again and move ahead with life.

A mental illness diagnosis that includes depression does not work that way.  It comes and comes as it pleases.  It stays as long as it pleases.  It grips you as tight as it wants to.  Some times the depression medication works and keeps it at bay and sometimes it doesn’t do such a good job.

We all know how it works.

My point.  We all have more or less the same or similar experiences.  We share, I share so we all know we are  not alone.  We know that, but I myself from time to time need to be reminded that I am not alone in how I feel or what happens to me.  There is some comfort in knowing that.

We are amazing.  We live, We laugh.  We cry, We almost drown (die) while in depression or jump from a building (while manic) because we think we are invincible.  Yet, we survive.

for me, it is because there is a God and He keeps me sane.

be good to you

get a good support system to plug into and stay charged into them.

love to all pb aka peanut butter.

Which way is up?

The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.

The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany.  My normal zany, just making people laugh.  Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing.  But this is normal for me.

Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes.  I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage.  I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one.  I cannot explain it.  My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.

I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel.  This is even more illogical than usual for mania.  I don’t understand it.  How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day.  It happens this way everyday for months.

Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again.  I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness.  It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise.  I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.

My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front.  The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center.  No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays.  It is the ruler.  I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.

Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me.  Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness.  Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now.  I am a grown woman.  Can we think of some other word to call it.  Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.

My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior.  Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness.  I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania.  I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends.  It is, what it is.

I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life.  I get up every morning and just keep it moving.  When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on.  I have to live and not worry about that.  I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock.  I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.

Honey, where are you?  🙂  Oh well, I guess he is not here yet.  He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.

pb: Love to all

Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.

Change is hard

2014 presented a lot of change for me.

There were some personnel changes in the program I attend and it was hard getting adjusted to new people.  It rocked me a little bit and took me off point of what I was there for.  I decided to stop going but now I realize that until I start working I need to go if for no other reason that to get out of the house and be with people I can connect with.

I not only connected with the other clients but with some of the staff as well.  I love going there and I have grown personally since I started attending. I am a bit more confident about a lot of things and i have found my voice.

It is okay for me to stay away from people who trigger rage in me when I am manic.  I used to think it was wrong to stay away but now I know it protects them and me.

Participating in different groups helped me learned emotion regulation for when I am manic.  I am still learning so sometimes I still blow up.  I am trying to learn to be more aware of what I am feeling when I am feeling it and using good communication skills like saying “I feel” instead of “you made me feel” when telling somehow how something they said or did made me feel.  Everything I have learned is a work in progress trying to use it, but if I keep going I will use the skills that I learned more often.

Going to the center on a regular basis and staying busy when leaving the center has helped me with fighting depression. One of my  maintenance tools for wellness is to get out of the house everyday.  Attending the center gives me a place to go making it easy to find a reason to get dressed and get out.

Things that used to set me back for months now only get to me for hours in a day.  I am learning to analyze things others say or their actions toward me, better and sooner rather than later.  Even though it may sound strange,  I have to talk myself through a lot of stinking thinking.  Stinking thinking used to win a lot of battles with my mind causing me to be sad and go into depression or turn away from people because I thought the worst of myself or that I did something wrong and that people in my life were always angry or disappointed with me.  Now I work my way through those thoughts and remind myself of the truth and move on.

The truth is, I was transferring my thoughts onto the other person and they were thinking something totally different or not thinking about me at all.

Last year in 2013 I had no direction, nothing to look forward to in life. Most of the year I was depressed and a third of the time I was manic.   This year I was stable a lot longer, more than I have been since 2007.

I used to beat myself up about my last breakup because I felt it was my fault because I can be a handful with having bipolar.  When we were together I had a lot of hospitalizations, but only one since we broke up.  Sometimes I miss him, but i remind myself that it was not a healthy relationship even without having bipolar.

Yes, a lot of emotional changes, but good changes.

thanks for reading my blog and I love all of you.

pb: Persistently pursuing my passion to be a peer support to help someone else and continue my healing journey.

To be alone on Christmas day or not

I am not manic so I have no reason to stay away from my family on Christmas yet I know it is going to be stressful and that is making me think twice about spending time with them.

I know I cannot stay away because I am sure they want to see me and will not understand that I am concerned about triggers.

Maybe what I can do is to go late in the day when perhaps some of the stress has died down and have a short visit.  I know I must check in with myself throughout the visit so I will know when things are starting to get away from me.

Does anyone else get stressful when they are spending time with family on a holiday?  Are there things that trigger you?

Please share with us.

Be as happy on the holiday as you can.  It’s another day, that we are blessed to be alive.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Specialist because everyone needs a hand up

Relationships

Has anyone started a relationship since being diagnosed with mental illness?

I would like to know how hard is it to date when you have a mental illness?  When do you tell the person you have a mental illness?

I am sure it is not on the first date, maybe not the second.  Do you wait until things get serious?

Is there a certain amount of dates you go on before you tell them?

I am afraid of scaring the person off, but I would like to get to know them before I spring that on them.

If you are in a relationship, has having a mental illness had an effect on any part?

Is it possible to find someone who is patient and loving when you are having a manic episode or going through major depression?

Any answers or words of wisdom is appreciated.

love to all

pb: Persistent Pursuing my Passion to help others by giving them a hand up and walking with them on their journey to being mentally healthy.

Felt less than

Has anyone ever felt less than by someone else who has mental illness?

It never ceases to amaze me how some people with mental illness behave as though they are above someone else with a mental illness because they may be a therapist, counselor or in some other position in mental health.  Sometimes it may just be someone who works and looks down on someone who does may not be able to work because they are not yet stable with their illness.

We are all in the same boat regardless of what we do or do not do in life.

When you have a mental illness, you can be in the same position as the one you look down upon.

Everyone is in a different place on their recovery journey toward being mentally healthy and we all need to be remember that we have the right to be treated with the same respect and dignity as someone who is stable and can work and do all the things they want to do.

One day those who are struggling daily with their illness will reach a point of stability and be able to live above where they are now.  They will be able to work, to travel, to be left alone with grandchildren, to live alone, to do whatever the illness has put on hold for them now.

Be patient, not condescending.  Be encouraging and lift us up instead of putting us down with words or actions of ignoring us when we speak.  We are here.  We deserve to be heard just as you do..

Remember when you were not stable.  Remember when you were so depressed you did not know if you would ever have a “normal” life again.  Remember when you were manic and did things you knew were not normal for you to do but mania took over.

Remember, just remember and change how you treat us.

Mental illness has no boundaries how it treats us.  You can be depressed again and lose hope.  You can be manic again and cause destruction.  This is a lifetime thing with no guarantees of forever being well.

Remember and encourage, lift up and give a hand up.  Listen, respect and be there for those who are striving to be well.

love to all,

pb: Persistent Pursuing my Passion to help others on their journey to better mental health and a life they only dreamed of because of mental illness.