Today was a most disturbing day compared to the last few days.
I woke up feeling odd. A feeling I can’t quite explain but it prevented me from going to church today ( I really do regret this). I had decided to stay in for the day and not bother anyone with how I was feeling or letting them try to make me feel better or help me in any way. Later, I realized I needed to get out of the house. It is one of my wellness tactics. Don’t stay in and think, think and keep thinking. It is nothing but stinking thinking controlling my mind. I have to escape its grips, so I run. I leave as quick as I can get dressed. Sometimes it’s so bad, I don’t care if my clothes are pressed or not. I just have to get out.
I was not depressed or sad, but had sad thoughts. My thoughts were how alone I was in the world (stinking thinking). I have my mom, my children and the biggest support person in my life, my therapist, but in those moments, I felt very alone in the world. I felt very misunderstood and that for that reason, I mattered to no one.
I went from room to room trying to get some kind of emotional balance. I played a game on my cell phone and tablet while my mind wondered. I also did some journaling. Sometimes it helps me figure out what is going on in my head and that sometimes helps me figure out why my emotions are the way they are.
I had stinking questions like, did my last relationship end, because the person could not deal with my illness. Quickly, logic said No. It ended because we wanted much different things. Our lifestyles are very different. His lifestyle is dangerous for a person with a mental illness. Mine is safe for me and those I love but would be boring for him. We used to do things together but they were things that took me to the edge and I became tired of living on the edge. I just wanted to live.
Stinking thinking said, I am horribly ugly and that is why you are alone. It took me a while to bounce from this one because all my life I thought I was ugly. Later today, I realized, ugly is a harsh word, especially for one to use to describe self. Though I am not pretty or cute or attractive, I am probably average. Not hard on the eyes or people who not be able to look me in the face and smile back when I smile at them (doesn’t matter if I know them or not).
Stinking thinking says you are missing out on your grandchildren and on the important events in the life of your children. The reality is, that I am limited to what I can do and where I can go and for how long. I can see pictures of them and their aunt lets me know new things they are doing. It is no where near the same as being there, but it is all I get.
Because of my bipolar, I cannot visit them for to long. I truthfully have not been able to stay away from home for more than a few weeks without a mood shift. Once that shift happens, I start going downhill and usually end up major depressed soon after I return home. Some times I bounce back quicker than others. The last time was extremely hard. It was the whole winter. It was bipolar depression with suicide ideology and Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I guess I was sad because I am not involved in the lives of my family. I feel like a throw away. I miss out on all the important events. I see photos of everyone there except me. Why am I am never made aware of major life events until after the fact. This makes me feel left out of life. I hate that feeling. I hate how it makes me think, what it sometimes gives me a thought to do. But it is what it is and I have to fight those thoughts and remember that even though I have a mental illness that does limit some things in my life, all things are not off limits.
I am grateful that while I do get lonely at times, I can live alone and care for myself. I am compliant with taking my medication, seeing my therapist, keeping all Dr. appointments for my medical health and remembering that living healthy with mental illness takes work. We cannot take anything for granted.
I cannot even take my thoughts for granted, that they are just thoughts. Some of those thoughts are harmful, so I need to be aware of my thoughts. I need to control my thoughts and not let them control me. Make no mistake, that is the case whether you have a mental illness or not, however, with a mental illness our thoughts tend to take us into a dangerous realm where if we do not catch them, it can be harmful.
We cannot take sleep for granted. My mind tells me every night, not to go to bed. Let’s stay up.(definitely stinking thinking- who chooses to stay up or night when they don’t have to work). I try and it gets me into trouble. I eat more to stay up, that adds on empty calories and then I sleep only 5 hours at the most. Sleep deprivation is tied to weight gain. It also can bring on mania for me. Sometimes it is the cause of my stinking thinking and then it takes me into depression.
I am at my safe place now. At the computer blogging. I am surrounded by people (comforting even though I do not know them) at the library. I can stay until the library closes and then another phase begins. “I don’t want to go home”. For what? I need to be out.
So, when it is time to go, I will waste gas and drive to a store that probably does not have what I want anyway. A waste, but it keeps me out a little longer.
Catch that stinking thinking. It doesn’t matter if they are questions, irrational statements to self or others or if it is an illogical, irrational or dangerous action. You are in control. If you feel out of control, get help by phone or walk to someone who can help you. Sometimes I most definitely cannot afford to be out of touch with people. I will sink for sure.
love to all
pb aka peanut butter