Is my mind sick or is it just me

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Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

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No one get to ….

I love this expression of determining and letting others know what they do and do not get to say or do that is acceptable to me.

People without a mental illness diagnosis, do not get to judge my actions, labeling them as they see it or according to their perceptions.  Just ask me, maybe then you will not judge, but understand.

People without a mental illness do not get to ignore me, treating me as though I am not there by talking  about me as if I do not exist.  No, they do not get to ignore me.  No one does.  I am a force to be seen and heard.  I am here.  You do not get the right to ignore me in word or deed.

No one gets to say I am not perfect because I have a mental illness.  Do they not know a person’s mental health has nothing to do with being perfect.

People do not get to say, I am not smart.  Who determines smart anyway?  Just because a subject does not hold my attention does not mean I am not smart. More than likely it is so boring, I do not care to contribute.   Just because a person has much to say does mean what they are saying is correct.

Get the point?

No one gets to say just anything to me or treat me any kind of way, nor I to them.  We all deserve respect.

As people living with an uninvited guest: bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any other mood disorder, we do not and will not let anyone say what they want or do what they want.

Remember:  No one gets to……

What do people not get to say or do, where you stand?

 

 

Crying for no reason or because

Sometimes a thought will flicker in my mind just for a moment, but that moment seems like the thought has been there for a while.

It grips me for whatever reason I do not understand and I begin to cry.  The tears roll, my eyes are red and my nose will  not stop running.  My face is such that I cannot hide it.

Sometimes there seems there is no reason or rationality.  Maybe at that moment I was laughing about something or enjoying an activity.  Then I feel the pain in my heart.  Not a pain that medicine or the doctor can fix: it is the pain of crying welling up on the inside beginning to make its’ way out.

It only takes a moment to feel this way before I know the dam will break.

That seems to be crying for no reason and I think that is part of the bipolar, the sad leading into depression part if we are not aware of our pattern of this.

Sometimes, someone can say something to me and for no reason it has a negative effect even though it was not their intention to make me feel that way.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have done something wrong or just feel like crying for no reason.  They never said anything cruel.

I think what is might be is that they are saying I do not ask for help with financial things because of pride or whatever the reason.  They are making assumptions and I do not feel capable of defending myself at the time. There words are coming at me so fast and my thinking of a response comes very slow.    I believe they are basing their reaction to my tears because they feel I am weak or overly sensitive.

I try to explain it is not anything that was said.  It is important for me to try to do things for myself and that I do not want to ask anyone out of the mental health family to help me. We understand or try to .  I believe we help each other sometimes by sharing and sometimes just by being there and letting them know we understand.

So my question is, when there is no apparent reason for me to cry is that the bipolar or me being sensitive to nothing.

or

Am I crying because someone has misjudged me and I  believe there is no explaining so they understand.

Why am I crying?  Does this happen to anyone else and do you feel it is part of our illness or  no.

 

I just don’t know

Sometime i think bipolar is something made up.  I believe the only mental illness is schizophrenia.

Sometimes I can’t tell my personality from the illness.  I just don’t know.

When I am this thing called “manic”I do notice my level of irritability increase s.

It is at this time I just don’t know if it is me or the illness because I say and do things that are very unkind.  Normally, it upsets me when I hurt someones’ feelings.  This  causes, chaos, broken relationships and sometime irreparable relationships.

I think if family really took the time to learn about my illness and me as the individual I am I would not feel the need to run away and hide when mania gets out of control.  Maybe it would  not escalate to the level it does.  Maybe they would realize there are things you do not say to a person with a mental illness, no matter how innocent you think the statement is.

I just don’t know why we fight to get out from under stigma and the people that surround us are the main ones who make it impossible. Sometime they are our family, friends, and even other people with mental illness.  I just don’t understand.

I am not depressed but I am sad and I begin to cry everyday and cannot seem to stop.  I have no desire or use for food.  Why was I so mean.  What the hell is wrong with me.  Am I really a nice people person always trying to bring a ray of sunshine even but for a moment.  That moment may be something that the person holds onto and helps them when  things start going to the depths of depression.  That one moment may be the thing they hold onto to stay just above the surface of depression.

I just don’t know which is the real me, my real personality at the time.  I know it is becasue I am told this thing  called bipolar changes my mood.  Is it changing my mood or me?  I just don’t know.

 

 

 

 

 

A great challenge

Everyday I wake up and thank God for waking me up and giving me another day.

I think the greatest challenge I have faced so far, is the challenge of controlling the rage I feel when I am manic.  I explain to people I will never be on the same anger level at the same time, feeling the same way.

When they are at annoyance, I am already at anger.  When they reach anger, I am already at rage much like going from mild David Banner to the incredible Hawk. The difference is that I will go after anyone in my path just because.

Everything I do when manic seems to be, “Just because”.  No reason(reasons) for my irritability, anger and rage.

Peace and serenity would be great to have when coming down from mania.  They do not seem to appear.  Rage like the incredible Hawk is what I get instead.

Once a person told me that there was nothing wrong with me.  They stated I did not need a psychiatrist.  I was at a low point and became confused.  What if this person was right and all this was just in my mind.

The next challenge is to block out what people say about me living with a mental illness is that they do not understand the changes they see in me are not my fault.  I cannot control the part of my brain that tells me the logical thing to do.  The challenge is to let the pain and anger go, that they don’t even try to understand..  There answer is that I am “in a mood” or tired.  When do I get to have my breakdown?  Yes, I am in a mood but you do not try to understand why, what is different about this mood.  They do not see the sadness that I try to hide the internal sadness or the pain that is on my face.

Of  course, the greatest challenge is living with this condition alone.  There is nothing anyone can do including me, to help prevent these episodes without leaning on medication.  Staying on a schedule to maintain the levels in my body is another challenge.

I have to know that something is wrong with my brain and it cannot be cured but it can be treated.

Forget the negative things people say and move on. You know who you are, don’t let anyone or another thing tell you you are different.

You are an amazing person>

You live with bipolar and survive everyday.

 

Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.

Went to far

So it seems as though my last post “Can We Talk” went a little too far.  It appears that I am probably the only one with this problem.

I apologize for those of you who may have found this topic offensive.

On another note.  I am struggling to figure out what actions are bipolar and what actions are just my personality.  Sometimes the lines get blurred.

One of my children says I am outspoken and I am.  I know that is my personality. Being outspoken can be a good thing when you an advocate for yourself or others.  Your voice is the one that fights not only for your rights but the rights of others who have not yet found their voice.  Some are too shy and never will.  That is when being outspoken is a good thing.

On the other hand, it can produce negative results or cause one to be offended, such as the last post.  It can also destroy relationships whether we mean to or not.

I have learned that every thought we have is not for us to say out loud.  This takes great discipline because it causes us to pause and think for a moment the possible consequences that thought might cause.

Even though the lines become blurred at times, there are some signs when I know it is me such as laughing.  When I am me or not heading for or in mania, I laugh at normal things that are funny.  When manic, things are just plain funny, whether others think so or not.  At times I just sit and start laughing.  I have heard people say, “She is in her own world” and I am.  No one knows what I am laughing about and everything is funny to me.

Being outspoken takes a little more thought.  When in a group, I tend to say what I am thinking whether I agree or not.  I say it with an example so everyone understands and most everyone agrees.  It is just that some people are shy but when someone else expresses what they are thinking it brings out what they want to say.  That I know is my personality.  When I just start saying random things and do not care about others feelings on the subject, I know it is not me.  Being insensitive and hard on people is not me.  People do not complain about this.  They just think I am having a normal bad day, but I know the difference and those who know my illness know it is not me.  I am generally a happy person and life is as the character Forest Gump says,” life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you’re gonna get”

The last part is when I am irritable.  If I can figure out why, then most of the time it is me.  However there are times when I cannot tell if it is me or the bipolar because I may not be able to figure out the cause.  It can be something or someone triggered me.  It can lead to self harm.  Am I self harming as a result of being irritable or am I self harming because I feel misunderstood.  I know it is two in one, being irritable and self harming.

Finally, I truly believe out of all my diagnosis that are current and the ones I am waiting for a report, mental illness is truly a BITCH.  It does what it wants, when it wants.  It is a daily fight.  So is having cancer ( I am a two time cancer survivor. These statements apply to what I have experienced and how I feel). However, if cancer is caught early enough, most times, something can be done to treat it whether surgical or some other form of treatment.

Mental illness cannot be cured. Time and different techniques have been tried and failed.  Hopefully many of us are getting treatment and following our wellness plan.  The sick part of our brain cannot be operated on to make it better.  There is no treatment to make it go away.

The only treatment that works for me is compliance with going to psychotherapy and taking my medications as instructed.  Honestly, sometimes I fail at both.  Yet, because I know it is a matter of giving up and losing my life or fighting and living,  I choose to get back on my regimen and live as long as I can.

I do hope this is a better post that more people can relate to.  I do realize that many of the issues I have are are not experienced by everyone or even a majority of people with  mental illness.  Those who do experience it, may not be willing to share.  It is a personal thing.

I share, my experiences, good, bad and not so good in hopes it will help someone to understand they are not alone and it is nothing wrong that they did, it is the illness.

One thing I hope we all agree on:  at times, our mental illness has a way of ruling what we think, our actions based on what we think, what we perceive as real, even though it may not be real.  It is not our fault.  It is one of many characteristics or symptoms of mental illness.

love to all,

hope this helps someone whether they comment or not.

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Peace within

 

Can we talk

0?????????????  about it ???????????????

The “M” word and the “H” word that goes with it,

at least it does for me.

The “M” being Mania.

The “H” being Hyper-sexual.

When I am manic, I get very hyper-sexual.   If I am not paying attention to my thoughts, by the time I realize what is happening, I am already in the danger zone: the uncontrollable, impulsive, exciting, zone that comes with mania.  My mania.

I cannot and dare not  say we all experience all the same feelings and behavior as everyone else with bipolar.

This I do know.  I am not alone in this risky behavior.  Although I do not know anyone else, I do know that there are others who go through this only later to be embarrassed by the deeds we did when in this state of mind.

Each time it comes around, I take more and more chances with no thought of consequences.  You see, everything that we once agreed were logical becomes illogical and senseless to me and that which I once thought was illogical now become logical to me.  Because my brain now tells me everything is reverse in my thinking, why would there be negative consequences?

Mania is as if my brain lifts and shifts to the front of the lobe where impulsiveness is now the ruler of my mind and my actions.

I came to the conclusion today that when my mind is focusing on something else for a period of time, I have no idea what is going on until I am inviting strangers to my house.  I am talking about men that I meet online.  Before I know it, it is another and another.  Always a different one.  I realize that this dating site is merely a pick up site and now it is a hunting ground for me.

Time would escape me and days were now weeks in my sick mind.  When I did not hear from the same man in a short period of time, I would get very irate and let him know it because he should have called sooner, my brain says.  Later, when no longer manic, I realize what I thought was weeks  were only days and months had only been weeks. It seemed as though i had lived  for months this way only to later realize it had not been that long at all.

I would get wasted at night because I had no new emails from the site thinking no one else was interested.   One night I was so wasted I sent a nasty text to this one guy (I did not know even remember what the text said when he called to confront me moments after I must have hit the send button.

I would go out of town to meet someone for the first time and not tell my family or friends where I was going.  I told one person the first time I left town.  I gave very little information and thought nothing of spending the night at a stranger’s house the first day we met.

When my brain shifts again and goes back to well, I am disgusted by my actions and vow to not repeat those actions.

I usually tell my therapist most of what goes on, but you never tell anyone everything.  You keep a little part of every story hidden from others, including yourself.

 The memories of the things I did come back at a later time and I am very upset and disgusted in the pit of my stomach with myself.  I know this is not the normal me.  I am not perfect but there are some things I normally would not do.

My therapist reminds me this is part of the illness.  I must try to remember it so I can try to self check my thoughts and movements a little better. Mostly, I try to remember it is part of the illness so that I do not get so disgusted with myself that I do not confront it.

Will I never experience hyper-sexuality again?  I honestly do not know.

I might not or it might continue as a seasonal sequel that takes a rest during certain months.

 

love to all and hopefully not judged

 

 

 

Life is totally awesme in spite of

Having a mental illness sucks, at least that is my opinion and lots of others.

Out of all the diagnoses I have had over the years, mental illness  is one of the hardest not only to accept,  but fighting it gets tiresome.  It is a never ending battle.

In spite of having a mental illness, I say, life is totally awesome.

Now, just let me explain.

I used to have a friend that was depressed 24/7.  I really felt for this friend.  I could never imagine what that must feel like.  I have a hard time going through hours (mixed episode), days or months being depressed.

Last year, when people started asking me how I was doing, I would say “life is totally awesome”.  Understandably this friend said life was not totally awesome.  No answer of encouragement came to my mind.  My friend had been living like this for years.

It was a draining relationship for both of us. This friend could not deal with my bipolar roller coaster and I could no longer handle their 24/7 depression.  My friend used to laugh at times but then told me it took an effort for them to laugh when they did.

Life is awesome to me because I feel blessed and happy to wake up  in the morning.  Then it continues because I can dress and feed and clothe myself.  It is also awesome because despite having a mental illness there are many good days.

Don’t get me wrong.  When I am depressed it is the furthest thought and comment from my lips.  Thankfully since I have been wearing the Emsam Patch (for major depressive disorder) I have had more good days of peace than days of war.

I did not enlist,but was drafted kicking and screaming.  Sometimes I still kick and scream for the battle of depression to stay its’ distance.

If I can remember to look in the mirror and say, Life is totally awesome, maybe, just maybe I can escape it or at least hold it back a little so it does not have total victory.

Finally, let me jsut say, if nothing else, waking in the morning is the start of an awesome day.

love to all

pb