Give me a tiny violin

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When people would just complain and feel sorry for themselves or have a woe is me attitude like I have been having over the last few posts one would hand play an imaginary tiny violin.

Thank you for bearing with me while having my pity party.

Well, this is my tiny violin for whining.

I read someone that family, friends and sometimes even us, cannot tell the difference between the behavior: is it the illness or just us, in my case, a little of both.

Now that I no longer have that woe is me attitude ( some me and some the illness)  all is well again (it appears to be alright now, but who knows when it will show up again)

It does create havoc for both me and the person who gets the brunt of my irritability and paranoia.  I have to hope that the other person can tell the difference, me or the illness.

I am asking the impossible.  How can they tell, when sometimes I can’t tell.  By the time I realize I am in anger or rage mode of mania, it is too late.

So far I have been forgiven but how much more can they take of behavior they do not understand?

 

Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH

 

 

 

 

Is my mind sick or is it just me

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Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

A great challenge

Everyday I wake up and thank God for waking me up and giving me another day.

I think the greatest challenge I have faced so far, is the challenge of controlling the rage I feel when I am manic.  I explain to people I will never be on the same anger level at the same time, feeling the same way.

When they are at annoyance, I am already at anger.  When they reach anger, I am already at rage much like going from mild David Banner to the incredible Hawk. The difference is that I will go after anyone in my path just because.

Everything I do when manic seems to be, “Just because”.  No reason(reasons) for my irritability, anger and rage.

Peace and serenity would be great to have when coming down from mania.  They do not seem to appear.  Rage like the incredible Hawk is what I get instead.

Once a person told me that there was nothing wrong with me.  They stated I did not need a psychiatrist.  I was at a low point and became confused.  What if this person was right and all this was just in my mind.

The next challenge is to block out what people say about me living with a mental illness is that they do not understand the changes they see in me are not my fault.  I cannot control the part of my brain that tells me the logical thing to do.  The challenge is to let the pain and anger go, that they don’t even try to understand..  There answer is that I am “in a mood” or tired.  When do I get to have my breakdown?  Yes, I am in a mood but you do not try to understand why, what is different about this mood.  They do not see the sadness that I try to hide the internal sadness or the pain that is on my face.

Of  course, the greatest challenge is living with this condition alone.  There is nothing anyone can do including me, to help prevent these episodes without leaning on medication.  Staying on a schedule to maintain the levels in my body is another challenge.

I have to know that something is wrong with my brain and it cannot be cured but it can be treated.

Forget the negative things people say and move on. You know who you are, don’t let anyone or another thing tell you you are different.

You are an amazing person>

You live with bipolar and survive everyday.

 

Which way is up?

The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.

The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany.  My normal zany, just making people laugh.  Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing.  But this is normal for me.

Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes.  I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage.  I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one.  I cannot explain it.  My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.

I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel.  This is even more illogical than usual for mania.  I don’t understand it.  How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day.  It happens this way everyday for months.

Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again.  I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness.  It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise.  I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.

My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front.  The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center.  No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays.  It is the ruler.  I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.

Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me.  Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness.  Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now.  I am a grown woman.  Can we think of some other word to call it.  Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.

My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior.  Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness.  I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania.  I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends.  It is, what it is.

I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life.  I get up every morning and just keep it moving.  When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on.  I have to live and not worry about that.  I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock.  I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.

Honey, where are you?  🙂  Oh well, I guess he is not here yet.  He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.

pb: Love to all

Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.

Upside down emotional day

Tuesday was a really crazy day and so was Wednesday.

Each day I got up feeling okay.  No problems.  Was not upset about anything nor was I unusually happy about anything.  I really was not feeling anything other than average.

I went through the morning feeling even keel.

Then in the afternoon without warning, everything in me changed.  The calmness turned into a raging storm.  I was angry about nothing or everything.  I really do not know.  What I do know is that it seemed like my rage was aimed at everyone and everything.

People were annoying no matter what they were doing, whether I had interaction with them or not.

It took my therapist an hour to calm me down on Tuesday only for me to get angry and enraged again on the way home.   Wednesday I entered the office very angry again.

I knew both days that this was a dangerous state of mind and I could not be around family or friends as long as it continued.  This was the type of behavior (rage) I decided in the summer that was cause for me to be alone.  I do not necessarily have to stay in the house and hibernate but I do not talk with family or friends.  I tend to leave a mess when I am in this state of mania.

Normally mania starts out with me feeling high on life and starting a lot of new projects at one time and then evolves into irritability for no reason.  Mania does not seem to be following this pattern the last couple of times and it is more frustrating than normal.

I hate being angry whether there is an apparent reason or not.  I am not usually an angry person.  Usually I try to spread joy and laughter wherever I go.  I know it sounds cliche but I really do.  Someone has to and I get a kick out of being the one that does it.  I love being silly and goofy if it makes people laugh.  I love being energetic and encouraging people.  People keep telling me my laugh and energy are infectious.

When I am going through the anger storm, people annoy me and can do nothing right.  I get on my own nerves and annoy myself.  🙂

The good thing is that it does not last long.  I put myself in time out until I can treat people nice again including myself.

Today was not as bad but still going through different emotions.

I was fine until I got dressed.  I was dressed with no place to go today.  Then I realized I had no place I needed to be for the next few days.   Bummer.  Sadness peeked in along with loneliness.

I put on music and sang loud while doing chair exercises.  I was upstairs then downstairs, then upstairs, then downstairs again.  I did this a few time trying to decide what to next.  Finally I gave in and decided to go to the library.  Where else would I go?

I changed my clothes so I would feel better about my appearance (even though I was not meeting anyone- another bummer) and got out of the house as soon as I could.

So here I am.  Not as bored but making up things to do so I don’t have to face loneliness for too long when I finally go home.

I am happy to say that last night ebnded on a good note.  The therapist pointed out as usual, how I am when I am manic.  When I come to her office I am ranting and raving and being a smart a..  By now she knows this is part of my mania and does not bother her.  It never did but now she injects humor and makes me laugh.

I also subject jump.  Now we have a system worked out for that.  I have to say, subject jump before I start on another subject.  This helps to keep me in the moment and aware when I am about to change subjects.  This awareness does not stop me from doing it but it does give the other person warning so they can follow better.  It is something happens naturally when I am manic because my mind jumps all over the place from thought to thought very rapidly.

Mania continues to have its ups an downs and sometimes I step into the darkness but I don’t stay as long as I did before.  I still hate walking in those dark places even for a moment, but I realize it is the illness and not part of the real me.  Life is grand, but mental illness is a b….!

love to all,

thanks for reading

pb: Persistently trying to stay out of the dark places and trying not to make a mess with relationships when manic.  I cannot guarantee anything, I can only try to work through the madness.

Mania: a different out of control this time

This last time around mania had a field day.

It did not follow the path it normally takes.  Perhaps it was because I was not following my same routine.

This time I hardly slept.  There was even a time I did not go to sleep for over 24 hours.  Needless to say when I finally went to bed I crashed for the night.  The next night I was back to being up and out late at night.  It doesn’t matter that I was not getting into trouble being out late, but with this change in routine I was missing night medications a lot and did not realize it.  I was also not wearing my depression patch correctly. Sometimes I would forget to put it on.

I had so much energy I needed less and less sleep.  it did not matter how few hours I slept, I was refreshed when I got up.  I would start exercising between 4:30 and 5:30 in the morning.

At night, I would change into my alter ego and do the opposite of what I would normally do.  For instance, I was used to being up late, but at home, not out going from place to place.  No place in particular, just whatever store was open late.  I would go from one to the other.  Wal-mart was a great place to be at night.  No pesky customers getting in your way or rude children running around screaming and almost knocking people over.

I was also on the hunt for a party.  Of course I never found any since I did not know where to look. The point is, that I am not a party person unless someone I know is having a party.  I was just looking for a good time.  I would have gone to the night club except I did not know of any.

Finally,  I had a huge blow up with one of my family members and they almost stopped speaking to me for ever.  Thankfully after we said what we had to say, we smiled.  We knew that regardless of what happened the one thing we could never change is that we are bound by blood.  We said what we felt we had to say and then it was squashed.   Things don’t always turn out that way when I have done manic damage.

What frustrates me is that people in general, whether family or close friends, do not understand that when we are out of character it is a sign that we may need intervention.  When we blowup with rage, it is a sign we are manic and may  need intervention.

This time around, I felt so alone.  I needed someone to be there to anchor me and yet there was no one, so like a ship without a compass or captain, I was lost.  I could not find my way out and there was no one there to guide me.  This was probably the longest and hardest storm of mania I have experienced in a very long time.

Have you ever been manic and felt like you were 2 or more different people because you were one way one part of the day and a different person another part of the day?

Are your mania episodes always the same?

Do you do things out of character when you are manic?

Please share.  I would really like to know.

love to all,

pb

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer support person

Everyone needs a hand up and someone to walk with them on their journey

Is it really bipolar? I’m confused.

I seem to function very early in the a.m.  Starting between 4 and 4:40 am.  Sometimes around 2-2:30 am.

When I get up at these times, I am refreshed and ready for a new day.  Especially after a hot cup of coffee.

Is this manic?  I don’t  know.

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I do the same when feeling depressed.  I am not much for sleeping in.

Although, sometimes when I think I am just bored, I go to sleep for hours.  Wake up and take my night medication and go back to sleep for 6-8 hours more.  I do tend to lose interest in things at this time and do not want to be alone with my thoughts.

I don’t think early rising and inability to sleep late, is listed as one of the symptoms of bipolar (manic-depression), but I do know it is one of my traits.

Looking back over time, I see that I have always been an early riser.  Even when I was not working.  And when I was working, I never had to hit the snooze button.  I woke up and was ready to get up and get going, no matter what the clock said.

I recently had a conversation that left  me wondering if I am bipolar.

I question my diagnosis from time to time?

Does anyone else ever question whether or not they are manic-depressive?

I know I go through depression: sometimes worse than others.  Sometimes it gets scary how low I feel and the thoughts I have.

I know there are times I am filled with rage.  Out of left corner it hits me, even when I seem to have been feeling fine.

Is there something else that is not right in my brain that is causing a trigger for me to feel rage and I don’t know it.

Even though I keep getting the same diagnosis, the medicine only seems to keep me even keel for a while.  Maybe I don’t have bipolar.  Maybe that is why the medicine does not work for long.

Sometimes I can function off 3 hours of sleep a night.  Is that normal?

Sometimes my head is filled with projects and ideas are too numerous to write in one sitting.

I can plan a project from beginning to end on paper and then start another one.  Sometimes, I have to admit, I don’t finish planning one project before starting another one.  That is why I have a project board.

Does anyone ever doubt their diagnosis of many strangers, when one person you know personally tells you otherwise?

Do you think everyone with a mental illness, questions their diagnosis at some point?

Maybe I did not hear correctly.  Maybe I heard correctly but misunderstood.

Anyone?

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

I soar like the eagle

Today I soar like the eagle.  Te eagle flies high and he flies alone.

Bald Eagle diving for salmon (IMG_1561a)
Bald Eagle diving for salmon (IMG_1561a) (Photo credit: Alaskan Dude)

Today I am alone but I am high above my episodes of depression and mania.  How log I will stay at this altitude, I don’t know, but right now I am high above it.  My wings are stretched wide and I am taking deep breaths and letting the air fill my lungs.  I am exhaling as I veer to the right and then to the left.  I come back to the center and thus maintain my balance and my altitude.

Today, right now, I am an eagle flying high above depression and mania, above my mental illness and all the rage and sadness that comes with it.  The feelings of isolation, abandonment, self-destruction that often occur.

I plan to fly for a long time at this altitude, but the mind of a person with a mental illness has its own agenda and sometimes changes the flight plan without warning.  It starts to take us down the side of depression or climb an even higher altitude to mania.  We have no control over the plan change, but we can take control back when we realize what is happening and use our wellness tools.

We can keep from going to far one side to the other or descending into depression or rising too high into mania.  Using our tools, resources (including our support system) and activities that focus our mind else where, will help us stay at the right flight level.

be good to you and love to all

pb aka peanut butter.