I need love to mom

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter


Why did you leave me not once but twice?

Did you think I could handle it better as an adult?

Guess what mom?

There is no difference in the pain.

Reluctantly, you told me you would be leaving town for a few days

and would let me know when.

You did leave, but you did not tell me

Sneaking  out of town to be with the child to whom

I  do not exist

There was a family gathering while you were there

Everyone was there except one


I was the uninvited guest that no one missed

I know you love all others but what don’t you love me.

Am I so unworthy that you would just leave me here alone.


Please pray God take this pain and anger away

We will never have the same relationship that was already frail

But this goes beyond, accepting an apology I will never get

It destroys what little trust I had left.

I need to let you know I have never known in this life what

being loved feels like from a family of a parent and sibling.

I was told I was part of that family

When will it be done

When will I be another one of your children that you see doing no wrong

After all is said and done, maybe I do not know how to receive love.

Do you think that is it?


Need opinion, especially from men

part 2:  more curious questions, need more answers from both men and women.

Do men think about experiences beyond the car?

Are you offended when the woman takes the lead, even though you enjoy it?

Women, did you want him to stay for a minute, rather than get right up, put clothes on and leave.

Women: are your emotions tied to that experience that was only meant to be one time.  You both knew it would be a one time thing but did your emotions get the best of you and you just wanted to know if the dynamics of the tenant, maintenance person now turn into friends or at the least acquaintances.

Let me know how you feel about this experience.  Let me know if this blog sounded more like ramblings or was it written in a manner that you know where I am coming from?

For the last few months, I tried to forget about it.  It would pop into my head for no reason.  I did not know what the hell was going on, other than being annoyed that I could not get this out of the room in my mind that I put him in.

When I was done feeling angry and hurt that he had not for one minute thought about I was super hurt.  But a friend reminded me of something I said to her:

don’t give him a room in your head.  He is not worth it.

I made up my mind to kick him out of the room of my brain that I had kept him in.  No, he was not worth being on my mind for whatever reason.  I need that space for someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

Finally, the song TKO came to my mind.  Most of you are probably too young to have heard it.  Teddy Pendergrass sang it.   Looks like another tko.  Gotta let it go.

Oh yes.  Thank you teddy, this was just one more person I had created a make believe relationship that included my jealous actions.  But being another person makes it a TKO and I needed to let it go.  It was so easy hearing that song remind me of the reality of the situation.  I still don’t know the dynamics and finally it is not important to  me.

Well, that is all there is.



There goes another one

It seems as though any time a man is nice to me, whether is a friendly hug, compliment or just being plain nice, my head starts thinking it is the beginning of a relationship.  It is. the only problem is that the relationship only exists in my head, the sick part of the brain.

I always seem to mess up potential friendships with men because I do not tell them I live with bipolar which for them means DRAMA.

Even I hate the day to day DRAMA that is a big part of bipolar.

Recently, someone I respect and admire, told me I would never have a real involved relationship with a man.  Bipolar in itself is hard to ask someone to deal with and then there are my physical illnesses as well.  The bipolar seems to be running the show.

My question: Is she right.  Is it impossible to have a romantic relationship having bipolar?

What are the success rates or are the divorce rates higher.

Is anyone currently in a relationship where one person is bipolar and the other is not?

How is it working.

Do you ever feel you cannot handle the mood changes any more.

I would love to hear from you.

Who can live with a person with bipolar?

The tears started to flow for no reason.  I know this type of crying is because of the bipolar.  It’s the one where you cry and cry for no reason, the tears will not stop despite what you do to distract yourself and you have that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach.  The one you cannot explain so people can understand.

I lit a candle to help focus on the flame as it appeared to dance for my pleasure, to make me stop crying and smile.  As the balloon with the saying I love floated toward the ceiling,  even that was trying to amuse me.

Neither worked very long.

Was it because I had a trigger earlier?  I was doing fine going about my morning routine and keeping track of time to make sure I did not miss my next med.  I sat down to do some paperwork and out of nowhere I started crying.  Try as hard as I might, the tears would not stop.  They were in control.

The trigger:  the continual thought living alone because of my mental illness.  That absolutely no one under any circumstance would want to deal with the “drama of bipolar” as I was told.  My answer was, true, but what do you think about the person that has to live with it everyday.

The sad truth that the only person that can tolerate living with me and my mood swings is someone who has them also.

The thought of this makes me ask God why do I have this love to give and no one to give it to, it does not seem fair.

A  man that I  was interested in (briefly) stated no one wanted to deal with drama of bipolar.  My comment: how do you think the person living with bipolar feels.  He had no answer.

Most people have their own thinking about mental illness do not want to date and sometimes do not want to have us as friends..Their loss, we are super people with a lot to contribute to this world.

Getting back to the question: Who can live with a person with  bipolar.  I don’t know.  So far I have not met anyone that wants a relationship with me (a companion)

Perhaps, I am meeting them  when I am manic and that may be the drama the man was speaking about.  Maybe I am telling them to soon about being bipolar


What am I doing wrong?

Does love come to people with bipolar?  Not the stars we  hear about on t.v. or see in the movies. But people who do not live in the limelight?

For anyone with a companion:  what advice do offer?  Is it a stable relationship?  Tell me what you can.

Am I doing it wrong or am I in all the wrong places?


Seeking love.







It’s Been A While

Lot has happened since the last post.  Mostly, I kept forgetting the password even after creating a new one.

I have started dating through a web site.  It took a few dates for goofy me to realize it is just a pick up site.  At the time it really did not matter because I was going through that hyper-sexual phase.  It was a gold mine to me at the time (so I thought).  Good thing that phase did not last too long and I did not always act upon my impulses (I had boundaries they could not, better not cross and they did not, fortunately for them)

Anyway, lately I have been talking on a regular basis with someone who seems to be nice.  We have not met in person yet and sometimes I don’t know if I want to because I already told him I am bipolar and I don’t see this going anywhere.

He often says, I do not know what I want because I change my mind about things like whether or not I want to get married or not.

He makes me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and sometimes I even have tears from the laughter.  It is always welcome.

However, sometimes he frustrates me because I don’t seem to be able to get him to see things about me the way I feel I am.

It all brings me to this.

Will there ever be anyone who can accept me as a I.  A person who lives everyday with bipolar, a sick brain?   I want to be wanted and loved like anyone who does not have bipolar.  I often get sad because I really don’t, can’t see it happening.  How can I get rid of this desire?

Is it really almost impossible for me to have that life of being in a loving relationship?
Does it really make any sense for me to meet this man when I know there could not be anything except friendship?

No worries

No Worries:

That’s what someone says to me when things are not going so well and they try to make the best of the situation.

It would be nice to be able to say that after a manic episode.  It seems as though, we may have no worries at that moment when our behavior or attitude is less desirable.  Unfortunately, it seems as though we are cleaning up messes made during times of mania.

Does anyone else have to clean up messes after an episode of mania?  Maybe with a family member, friend, co-worker or even a neighbor you have become friends with over the years?

Has it cost you a friendship, relationship with a family member or maybe even a job?

On the other hand, do family members or close family friends seem to be a trigger for your mania or anxiety?

What is one to do?

Please share your manic episode mess experience.  Who was it with, what happened and were you able to clean up the mess or did it cost you something.

We continue to learn from each other.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a hand up and a true listening ear.

Purpose to have an awesome day.

Is it me or mania

The last couple of weeks have been kind of challenging.

The irritability started ever so slightly that I did not notice is was there.  It started climbing and rearing its ugly head more and more each day but only in the late afternoon until early evening.

I have not felt this way in so long, I wondered if it was me or bipolar mania.  Since I was okay in the early part of the day and totally not okay in the latter part, I began to wonder: then I realized it was the mania.

When I am manic I feel it in my arms. It is a strong force that feels as though it is consuming me.  No one including me knows how it is going to go.  Bipolar- different ends of the spectrum.  I could go on the end of funny where it seems as though my tickle box fell over and there was no way to close it.  I would be in fun city and made sure I was only around others who enjoyed a good laugh.  I never know how I will be entertaining myself or others.

The mania does eventually go to the other end of the spectrum where rage takes over.  When I notice this, usually because I have made a relationship mess, I feel as though I need to isolate myself but I do not, I can not.  When I take a day to isolate, it becomes easier to be alone the next day and the next. Eventually I find I do not want to go out of the house and then depression takes over.

It is part of my mental health maintenance plan to get out of the house everyday, regardless.  I try to stay away from people that are a trigger for me.  When I am manic and around them, the mania is worse.

I realized that when I see my therapist while I am in high mania toddling  between funny and angry, it is not a good thing for me.  When I leave the office I am more manic and have a strong desire to go party, to go look for trouble.  Fortunately, I have been able to avoid following through with a plan to do so.  However, I now know, do not go when manic.  Just another nugget to put in my toolbox.

During both mania and depression, I need to spend the greatest amount of time with positive and supportive people.  I feed off this and it lets me know someone is there to help me through the storm.

So, when manic: I feel free, like a different me.  I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I can be even keel, then everything is funny and I want to be entertaining.  I have so many ideas that I cannot keep up with putting them down on paper.  I become more argumentative and sensitive than usual.  The other end, the not so pleasant side is the rage side.  It sometimes causes a rift in relationships and has cost me my job in past.  Mania behavior also makes me not like who I am.  When I start beating myself up, I remember it is the mania and  keep it moving.

Stinking thinking comes front and center in manic episodes.  In the past, it would really do a number on me and would eventually lead me into the camp of depression.  Now I recognize it more and have learned to decipher fact from fiction in the majority of cases.

I have not learned to recognize the begging symptoms yet and still struggle a bit with stinking thinking and therefore must keep a watchful eye on the beginning of mania and try to ward it off is possible.

Rage is in a category by itself.  By the time I feel rage, it is too late to stop it.  It usually comes right on the heel of or overlaps mania.

What is your mania like?  Do the things you do when manic cause you to ask yourself if it is mania or just you?  How do you handle your mania?  Is your mania followed by depression?  I would really like to know.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

t me know.

When to tell

I want to get back into the dating arena and I am embarrassed to say I don’t know how.

It is easier for men to delve into it than women.

I do wonder, when you start dating, when do you tell the person you are bipolar?  How many dates  do you go on before you tell them?

Is it that you are bipolar or that  you have bipolar or that you are in treatment for bipolar?  Do you use bipolar or manic-depression?  Is one term scarier than the other.  Is one term more understood than the other?  Food for thought.

I refuse to let bipolar keep me alone.  I am working on being mentally healthy for me, for as long as possible with as few episodes of mania or depression in between wellness times.

I feel this mental illness has robbed me of a lot of time that I could have been happy but it has also taught me what a supportive person is not and that it is extremely important to have a support system, not just your significant other.  He/ she may burn out.  You need a plan of action for when you are in a relationship just as much as you do when you are not in a relationship.  Maybe even more when you are in one, becasue you want to make sure your episodes or mood changes do not chase the person you want to be with away.  It takes a strong. loving person to be with anyone with a mental illness.  I do believe they can be happy if they decide they are in it together and work together.  It takes more work than the average relationship, but it can be done and happiness can be found.