The last couple of weeks have been kind of challenging.
The irritability started ever so slightly that I did not notice is was there. It started climbing and rearing its ugly head more and more each day but only in the late afternoon until early evening.
I have not felt this way in so long, I wondered if it was me or bipolar mania. Since I was okay in the early part of the day and totally not okay in the latter part, I began to wonder: then I realized it was the mania.
When I am manic I feel it in my arms. It is a strong force that feels as though it is consuming me. No one including me knows how it is going to go. Bipolar- different ends of the spectrum. I could go on the end of funny where it seems as though my tickle box fell over and there was no way to close it. I would be in fun city and made sure I was only around others who enjoyed a good laugh. I never know how I will be entertaining myself or others.
The mania does eventually go to the other end of the spectrum where rage takes over. When I notice this, usually because I have made a relationship mess, I feel as though I need to isolate myself but I do not, I can not. When I take a day to isolate, it becomes easier to be alone the next day and the next. Eventually I find I do not want to go out of the house and then depression takes over.
It is part of my mental health maintenance plan to get out of the house everyday, regardless. I try to stay away from people that are a trigger for me. When I am manic and around them, the mania is worse.
I realized that when I see my therapist while I am in high mania toddling between funny and angry, it is not a good thing for me. When I leave the office I am more manic and have a strong desire to go party, to go look for trouble. Fortunately, I have been able to avoid following through with a plan to do so. However, I now know, do not go when manic. Just another nugget to put in my toolbox.
During both mania and depression, I need to spend the greatest amount of time with positive and supportive people. I feed off this and it lets me know someone is there to help me through the storm.
So, when manic: I feel free, like a different me. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I can be even keel, then everything is funny and I want to be entertaining. I have so many ideas that I cannot keep up with putting them down on paper. I become more argumentative and sensitive than usual. The other end, the not so pleasant side is the rage side. It sometimes causes a rift in relationships and has cost me my job in past. Mania behavior also makes me not like who I am. When I start beating myself up, I remember it is the mania and keep it moving.
Stinking thinking comes front and center in manic episodes. In the past, it would really do a number on me and would eventually lead me into the camp of depression. Now I recognize it more and have learned to decipher fact from fiction in the majority of cases.
I have not learned to recognize the begging symptoms yet and still struggle a bit with stinking thinking and therefore must keep a watchful eye on the beginning of mania and try to ward it off is possible.
Rage is in a category by itself. By the time I feel rage, it is too late to stop it. It usually comes right on the heel of or overlaps mania.
What is your mania like? Do the things you do when manic cause you to ask yourself if it is mania or just you? How do you handle your mania? Is your mania followed by depression? I would really like to know.
love to all,
pb aka peanut butter
t me know.