Need opinion, especially from men


Women you are more than welcome to comment.  I would love to hear your answers if you have had a similar experience.

I was hyper-sexual during my manic episode (what else is new).  This time I fixated on the maintenance guy.

His kind spirit, raspy voice and goatee, made him very handsome and  irresistible.  I wanted him to notice me as more than a tenant.  I know he could not because of his job.

Still, I wanted to share myself and he share himself.  (I think you know what I mean)

With all the flirting back and forth, it was only a matter of time before something climatic would happen and when it did, I was the leader and he was the prisoner.  I could do whatever I wanted and I did.

Months later I realized I was manic when all this was going on.  I would send him insane text messages letting him know I wanted him.  (how sad that I did this)  The thing about sending scheduled text messages is that you never know when you said too much.  Oh boy.

I definitely said too much.  Poured out my heart.  Damn it.  It was unnecessary and embarrassing when I crashed from mania and realized I must have seemed very immature or just a horny tenant.

It left me feeling great and annoyed with myself  at the same time.

The sadness and annoyance I feel is that I was upset because I believe men do not think about sexual climaxes after much flirting.  They enjoy the chase and the capture and when all is done, that’s it.  It is only a brief memory, never to enter their thoughts again.

“Is that really how it is.  You flirt with her and things build and build until there has to be a climatic ending?”.

“Do you put your clothes on and say thank you and leave?  Is this a hit it and quit it?

How long will you remember that one and only sexual encounter?

Does it last beyond the minute it takes you to get out the door and poof, you forget about it.

Part 1




Is my mind sick or is it just me


Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.



Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.


I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”


Does any of this sound familiar???:?

Subject jumper part 2

Dolphins In HawaiiLook closely enough and you will see me having a great time with my peers.  We are with each other to be supportive, to have fun and to join together as a family.

I am still ambitious.  I want to make sure I educate as many people as possible what bipolar really is.  Not what they think, not what the media feeds them and certainly not what people who stigmatized us tell them.

As people with mental illness we are sometimes shun by family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers or anyone who is a part of our life.  All this because they lack the knowledge and some even lack the desire to take the time to educate themselves about bipolar.

To try to understand mental illness is a beginning.

Learning about bipolar symptoms  and how to recognize them in me, is the beginning of showing me I matter and that I am a worthwhile person to you.

Going to support groups, at times attending therapy with me and even taking the time to go with me and share with my psychiatrist what you observe when I am on a certain medication,  truly makes me feel you really do care about me mentally as much as you do if I have an incurable and visible illness.

Finally, answering my call when I give the secret word that I need help because I am ascending to the top of the roller coaster of mania or rapidly descending from the top that I bypass sadness and drop into the depths of depression.  It lets me know, that as much as possible you will be there with and for me.

I am not a lazy thinker.  If I say I do not know how to do something, please do not frustrate me by continuing to ask me do it after I have repeatedly told you I do not know how.  Not only are you calling me lazy minded but a liar.

I am now offended and any good you have shown seem to make me wonder how much you really have been watching and listening to the real me.

I feel successful when I can make someone genuinely laugh or smile and for that moment allow them to forget that part of our brain is incurably sick.

It is a success to me when despite how much I unwillingly play  tug of war with sadness, I get out of the house and say to hell with sadness.

I am passionately pursuing to be a peer supporter to all.

We are a special breed of survivors.  We are all passionate about helping one another.

Who else knows how to help us best without saying a word.



Crying for no reason or because

Sometimes a thought will flicker in my mind just for a moment, but that moment seems like the thought has been there for a while.

It grips me for whatever reason I do not understand and I begin to cry.  The tears roll, my eyes are red and my nose will  not stop running.  My face is such that I cannot hide it.

Sometimes there seems there is no reason or rationality.  Maybe at that moment I was laughing about something or enjoying an activity.  Then I feel the pain in my heart.  Not a pain that medicine or the doctor can fix: it is the pain of crying welling up on the inside beginning to make its’ way out.

It only takes a moment to feel this way before I know the dam will break.

That seems to be crying for no reason and I think that is part of the bipolar, the sad leading into depression part if we are not aware of our pattern of this.

Sometimes, someone can say something to me and for no reason it has a negative effect even though it was not their intention to make me feel that way.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have done something wrong or just feel like crying for no reason.  They never said anything cruel.

I think what is might be is that they are saying I do not ask for help with financial things because of pride or whatever the reason.  They are making assumptions and I do not feel capable of defending myself at the time. There words are coming at me so fast and my thinking of a response comes very slow.    I believe they are basing their reaction to my tears because they feel I am weak or overly sensitive.

I try to explain it is not anything that was said.  It is important for me to try to do things for myself and that I do not want to ask anyone out of the mental health family to help me. We understand or try to .  I believe we help each other sometimes by sharing and sometimes just by being there and letting them know we understand.

So my question is, when there is no apparent reason for me to cry is that the bipolar or me being sensitive to nothing.


Am I crying because someone has misjudged me and I  believe there is no explaining so they understand.

Why am I crying?  Does this happen to anyone else and do you feel it is part of our illness or  no.


My head says one thing….

Reality says another.

This only happens when I am manic or in the middle of both ends of the bipolar pole. In other words, I believe I am on a roller coaster ride when there is no roller coaster where I am.

This may not be a good analogy so let me explain what I mean.

When I meet someone of the opposite sex that is nice to me,  I tend to form a relationship in my head that does not exist.

My thoughts and actions toward this person are what you would expect from someone that you are in a serious relationship with.  This person might not even be a friend but an acquaintance.

To be more specific:  there is a person that hugs me whenever they come to my home.  I don’t see them very often and sometimes not for months.  But because they embrace me, make me laugh and have a warm personality, there are questions that burn in me that I know I do not have a legitimate right to ask.

We are not in a relationship so it really is not my business what this person does in their personal life.  That is the reality.

In my illogical thinking we are in a relationship and I want to know what that person is  doing in their time when they are not working.

In the beginning, I ask do  you have a significant other in your life.  I ask because I do not want to be infringing on someone else’s love.  They tell me no.

At first I believe them because I am thinking rationally.

Once mania hits, rationality goes out and irrational thinking is where I live in my mind.

My behavior becomes that of a cheated on woman.  I cry about their disloyalty because I think they are sneaking away on the weekend to be with someone else.  I send crazy texts like “you lied to me  I thought you said you said you were not involved with anyone”.

There is a battle in my mind.  Reality vs. unreality . Thoughts to questions that do not apply, such as why are they ignoring my text messages become an obsession.

The reality is that they never call me or text me, only in my mind.  But it is an existing relationship to me.

I cry as though I have been cast to the side, lied to or rejected.

Reality comes back and I now have to clean up a mess.

Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is real.  I have to clean up a relationship mess, even with acquaintances who bring something special to me: a hug, good conversation, a listening hear and encouragement.

As always, bipolar is a stubborn BITCH, that will not go away.


Holiday: smile or tears

The start of the holidays are upon us.



The New Year’s Eve Parties

These are really rough times for me:  crying for unexplained reasons.  Sadness creeping in to the point that I have to be aware on a daily basis all throughout the day that it could easily turn into depression.

These are the main times my thoughts are mixed.  On the one hand I desperately want and feel I need a special man in my life to remind me of how much he loves me and that we will get through this together.  We will find a way to make things stay stable so I don’t sink into that nasty depression.   His arms around me with my head on his shoulder will be comforting and reassuring.

On the flip side of the hand, I might be okay with not having anyone there. I don’t have to worry  if what I am going through will drive him away.  One more deep cutting hurt that only time will take away.  In the meantime, the pain in either case, is excruciating.  I cannot even begin to explain the how this pain feels.  I do not have anything to compare it to.

The difference is that with someone, I am not alone in the storm.  I have someone to hold onto tightly.

The second, not only am I in the storm alone, but I believe all the negative things the storm speaks to my mind.  The strongest thought: I will never have anyone in my life.  The first scenario will never materialize.  Any man seeing me in this situation will run.

So, what do I do????

I have to keep moving.  Stay on the move mentally that is.  When I drive, not only do I listen to music, I have to blast it.  Ironically, sometimes it chases away the sadness, even though it is but for a moment.

I have to be someone there are people.  We don’t have to socialize with each other, just knowing someone is there in the same building lets me know help (conversation, if I need it, is right around the corner).

Times like these (holiday season) I would almost rather be manic.  (Stable is preferable of course, enjoying the holidays would be great)  At least I would find projects to work on, even if I have to create them.  I would find things  comical and be able to socialize better.

But holiday season is never near the feeling of mania.  So, I take it day by day, trying to find things to help me get through the before 5pm part of the day and then the after 5pm part of the day.  Then there is the weekend.  No solution there just yet.

All in all.  I am constantly working on trying to find a solution.  I may never be happy holiday time (not even visiting with all my family) but I would like to be able to smile when around others.  A genuine smile.

I may not have expressed myself clearly.  The bottom line, I would much rather skips the holidays which is the depression season and go to the Spring (my manic season).  at least for a little while.  mania has its own problems.

I guess the real bottom line is that living with bipolar sucks.



Depression: Is it the bipolar or life?

Sometimes I really hate being alone in my house.  I have a beautiful home and sometimes I can’t wait to get out of there.  It seems to shrink, my head starts to spin, I can’t think and I start to feel sick.  

Sometimes loneliness speaks to me and becomes so overwhelming that I grab my keys and run out of the house regardless of what I have on.

 When loneliness sets in, it is followed by sadness and then depression.  The depression turns into major depression and now I’m in a storm.

Was it better being manic?  When in mania, I rush to do everything.  Once the adrenaline gets going, I have to keep moving.  Sometimes I go on auto pilot and just keep going until 2 in the morning. I lay down and toss and turn, many times not even realilizing that I fell asleep until I wake up at 5am and remember a weird dream I had.

Even when I drop from mania to depression my sleep may still be off.  I might keep the same sleep schedule or it may change where sleep overtakes me at 4 in the afternoon and get up at 3 am.

So how did I get into the whole of depression?  Was the depression brought on by life itself or is it the bipolar depression that comes when I drop from mania?

Love to all

pb aka peanut butter



Sadness is trying to set in.

For some reason my sleep did not last as long as I thought it should have.  I don’t know why I was up a little past 3 am. but I was productive.  Got some things accomplished and was even able to concentrate and read a book.

I was excited about being able to do that.  It is not something I can do when depressed or manic.  It was a good sign.

I was even able to do yoga this morning, but that led me to thinking about my estranged daughter.  Estranged through her choice, not mine, although I am the culprit.  It was some things that I said when I was not feeling well.

It was when I was depressed and in a destructive mood that I lashed out at her and others.  Others have stayed because they realized it was part of my mental illness.  She has to protect herself from me and I understand that, but it does not stop me from missing her.  The yoga reminds me of her because she introduced me to it.

How do I clean up this mess and get her back?

One thing for sure, I cannot let the sadness rule because it turns to depression for me when it lasts to long.

I have fought long and hard to get to this point of being okay again.  I will get past this.

pb aka peanut butter

Whew. It was a rough one

English: The , also known as the Green Mountai...
English: The , also known as the Green Mountain Energy Wind Farm, near . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was a rough year but I am glad to be starting a new one.  By the grace of God

I started a new year without depression or mania.  I am even keel and I feel better than I have in a long time.

I know I am well because I am bouncing back quickly from things that normally would take me to depression or anger or just sadness.

My anxiety is controlled.  Even when I do feel anxious, it is not all day or for hours, like before.  It does not paralyze me and keep me from moving forward with my day.  It does not even cause delays now.  It used to take hours just to get my footing back and some days it took all day or did not happen at all.

I set my goals in writting.  Not resolutions.  I don’t make those.  I wrote obtainable goals and did not overload.  I guess you could say I have catagorized goals with steps of how to reach them.

I am very excited this morning.

One of my goals is to lose weight and keep it off.  My mental health state will have a lot to do with that becasue I binge eat when depressed and eat all high calorie carbs.  I become a junk food junkie and caffeine addict.  That is how I live during depression.  I skip meals and definitely do not eat more than one healthy meal which is breakfast: oatmeal and yogurt.  I realize what I do to lose weight I have to stay focused to keep it off.  That means developing a strategy long before a depressive episode and letting my support person/people know what I am trying to do so they can help me stay on track even in the darkness of depression.  (It is worth a try and nothing beats a failure but a try).

Happy New Year and have an awesome day and enjoy your eureka moments

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

2013 What I am grateful for

2013 was a tough year.  I don’t recall if it was necessarily tougher than other years or the toughtest so far.

I know it has been hard with one of the longest episodes of depression, that at times I did not think I was going to survive.

But here I am on the last day of 2013 and I am grateful.       

Grateful to be alive.

Grateful to not be depressed.

Grateful to know the difference between sadness and depression so I don’t go down that slide (hopefully not as often, not at all would be fabulous).

Grateful to my support system of family, friends and mental health team that hung in there with me through all the bipolar episodes.

Grateful for those who love me in spite of me and all the not so nice (putting it mildly) things I did or said  when manic.

I am grateful for the good things I have been able to enjoy this year in spite of being manic-depressive.

I am also thankful to each of you who follow, like or even comment on my blog.  It is you who inspire me to keep journaling online (posting) in hopes that we can all be a safe haven of expression and support for each other.

be good to you and have a safe holdiay

love to all

pb aka peanut butter