Rambling

Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM-IV-TR provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Talking with my therapist today, I remind myself that I go around and around with this bipolar diagnosis.

I know for myself, according to several therapists and psychiatrists that I am bipolar, rather I have been diagnosed with bipolar.

Someone close to me usually rattles my cage of belief because something I do may be characteristic of something other than bipolar. I tend to forget that in addition to bipolar I have been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and panic disorder as well.  So there are a few things going on here.

My behavior (although annoying to me and others at times) is often less desirable when I am feeling abandoned.  Yes, I have abandonment issues.  I have been told by someone that everyone does.  I don’t think that person understands that my issues are that people will leave me.  It started when I was a child and carries over into relationships.  Perhaps that is why I subconsciously sabotoge them and at the same time yearn for them.

Lonliness and sadness leads to destructive behavior becasue I lash out at those who are far away but I want to be near.  it is nothing either of us can do, nevertheless, I act out.  A grown person acting out (right there, it speaks- issues).

I know everything I feel is not a result of being manic-depressive, but being so does not help how I feel.  What others with no mental illness do not understand, we all feel the same thing, it is just magnified for some of us and when sadness festers it turns into a crippling depression.  I try to run from it when I notice it, but sometimes it starts very subtle.

I know that I have a mental illness.  That has already been established many times over and try as I might, I cannot wish it or will it away.  Unfortunately, I do experience the same things in life others experiene but with magnification and extremes.  That is where the mania and depression come in.  Sometimes the reslut of a trigger, sometimes not.  It just is.

Someday, I will have it figured out and won’t feel like I am rambling, like today.

I guess, in a nutshell: I have bipolar.  Not as determined by me, a family member, friend or acquaintance.  According to the criteria of the DSM-IV manual.  I have the symptoms and the diagnosis has been made over and over.

Accept it pb, I say and try to move forward.

trying to articulate my thoughts and feeling today, but not doing a good job.  This is a moment of confusion of thoughts.  This is bipolar.  I feel sad, but not depressed.  I feel almost numb and that I like becasue lately the alternative has been more down.  Never quite making it or staying at the even keel point.

Bedtime comes earlier and earlier.  I do not want to be with my thoughts.  I know that is not normal, regardless of what someone says to me. I know how I feel.  I can’t always put it into words and that is where the impulsive behavior comes into play.

I must remember, that not everyone understands.  Even I don’t understand most of the time, hence this blog.