Mixed episode. Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely. No one cares
I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I
don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.
Mixed episode manic side: Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.
Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.
Even keel. Balanced. Where I should be. Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.
I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.
I am still trying to figure that one out.
If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,
When I am mad at everyone but really no one.
When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness
When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster
When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me
When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours
When I am very productive and on a natural high
When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,
I know it is the bipolar. The manic side.
When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance
When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.
I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed. I also suffer is what the other person does not understand. I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.
I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on. That person is only at annoyance or reaching anger.
I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.
When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful. Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.
Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.
Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.
Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so. Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.
To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”
Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar, never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) . This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days. I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.
These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.
I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me. To let them know that this is not the real me.
I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that. It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.
Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”
Does any of this sound familiar???:?
Talking About Bipolar 