For all those who love but don’t understand

Please remember that….

Behind the forced laugh, there may be pain

Behind the jokes, may be tears

I don’t want to be this way

I don’t want to cry all the time for no reason at all

I don’t want to be flat line where I am neither up nor down in spirit

I don’t want to chase you out of my life with stinking thinking  and everything logical becomes illogical and illogical becomes logical

I don’t want to have a sick mind, but no matter how much I laugh, joke participate in life, my mind will always be sick.

No matter how many jokes I tell or laugh at

No matter how much I smile, sing, dance or celebrate life

My mind will always be sick.

Sometimes I am in remission and everything is fine

I am neither manic nor depressed

I rejoice, I say life is totally awesome

My mind is still sick for it will always be sick because there is no cure for mental illness

It is treatable but not cureable

So please remember these things when I seem to be distant, sad, depressed, manic, have stinking thinking, seem to be out of the loop of life, impulsive, living on the edge or any other thing out of character you may hear or see

Please remember, my mind is and will always be sick and please, please be patient with me

For these moments no matter how long, will past and the one you know and love will resurface again and I hope you will still be there

 

Change is hard

2014 presented a lot of change for me.

There were some personnel changes in the program I attend and it was hard getting adjusted to new people.  It rocked me a little bit and took me off point of what I was there for.  I decided to stop going but now I realize that until I start working I need to go if for no other reason that to get out of the house and be with people I can connect with.

I not only connected with the other clients but with some of the staff as well.  I love going there and I have grown personally since I started attending. I am a bit more confident about a lot of things and i have found my voice.

It is okay for me to stay away from people who trigger rage in me when I am manic.  I used to think it was wrong to stay away but now I know it protects them and me.

Participating in different groups helped me learned emotion regulation for when I am manic.  I am still learning so sometimes I still blow up.  I am trying to learn to be more aware of what I am feeling when I am feeling it and using good communication skills like saying “I feel” instead of “you made me feel” when telling somehow how something they said or did made me feel.  Everything I have learned is a work in progress trying to use it, but if I keep going I will use the skills that I learned more often.

Going to the center on a regular basis and staying busy when leaving the center has helped me with fighting depression. One of my  maintenance tools for wellness is to get out of the house everyday.  Attending the center gives me a place to go making it easy to find a reason to get dressed and get out.

Things that used to set me back for months now only get to me for hours in a day.  I am learning to analyze things others say or their actions toward me, better and sooner rather than later.  Even though it may sound strange,  I have to talk myself through a lot of stinking thinking.  Stinking thinking used to win a lot of battles with my mind causing me to be sad and go into depression or turn away from people because I thought the worst of myself or that I did something wrong and that people in my life were always angry or disappointed with me.  Now I work my way through those thoughts and remind myself of the truth and move on.

The truth is, I was transferring my thoughts onto the other person and they were thinking something totally different or not thinking about me at all.

Last year in 2013 I had no direction, nothing to look forward to in life. Most of the year I was depressed and a third of the time I was manic.   This year I was stable a lot longer, more than I have been since 2007.

I used to beat myself up about my last breakup because I felt it was my fault because I can be a handful with having bipolar.  When we were together I had a lot of hospitalizations, but only one since we broke up.  Sometimes I miss him, but i remind myself that it was not a healthy relationship even without having bipolar.

Yes, a lot of emotional changes, but good changes.

thanks for reading my blog and I love all of you.

pb: Persistently pursuing my passion to be a peer support to help someone else and continue my healing journey.

It’s All Good

Today was a really strange day.

Emotions were up and down at times.

The beginning of the day was kind of slow minded and slow moving.  It was hard just deciding what to wear.

Eventually I was out the door and on my way to where I needed to be and everything was fine.

Later today, I felt a bit out of sorts because stinking thinking started acting up.  It was telling me, ” you do not belong anywhere”.  “You are just floating through life and no one wants to hear anything you have to say”.  I tried to shut it off but it kept talking.  It was starting to convince me I had nothing of value to say or to offer anyone.

I have to say that I am not really surprised because I have been feeling like I am doing okay.  I am keeping it moving and trying to do things to keep my mind challenged.  Stinking thinking wants me to give up and just do nothing.

I will not give up,  I have to keep it moving.  I have to keep making positive things happen in my life.

Some days, I feel a part of life and some days I feel alone.  Despite all this, I have to keep getting out of the house and going places and doing things.

Bipolar thinking never gives up.  Sometimes symptoms simmer down, but they never totally stop.  I always have to be aware of how I am feeling and when my thinking turns against me.  I can never forget problem thinking is always lurking around me.

Despite the stinking thinking, it’s all good.  Life is still good and I am still standing.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Stinking thinking

Today was a most disturbing day compared to the last few days.

I woke up feeling  odd.  A feeling I can’t quite explain but it prevented me from going to church today ( I really do regret this).  I had decided to stay in for the day and not bother anyone with how I was feeling or letting them try to make me feel better or help me in any way.  Later, I realized I needed to get out of the house.  It is one of my wellness tactics.  Don’t stay in and think, think and keep thinking.  It is nothing but stinking thinking controlling my mind.  I have to escape its grips, so I run.  I leave as quick as I can get dressed.  Sometimes it’s so bad, I don’t care if my clothes are pressed or not.  I just have to get out.

I was not depressed or sad, but had sad thoughts.  My thoughts were how alone I was in the world (stinking thinking).  I have my mom, my children and the biggest support person in my life, my therapist, but in those moments, I felt very alone in the world.  I felt very misunderstood and that for that reason, I mattered to no one.

I went from room to room trying to get some kind of emotional balance.  I played a game on my cell phone and tablet while my mind wondered.  I also did some journaling.  Sometimes it helps me figure out what is going on in my head and that sometimes helps me figure out why my emotions are the way they are.

I had stinking questions like, did my last relationship end, because the person could not deal with my illness.  Quickly, logic said No.  It ended because we wanted much different things.  Our lifestyles are very different.  His lifestyle is dangerous for a person with a mental illness.  Mine is safe for me and those I love but would be boring for him.  We used to do things together but they were things that took me to the edge and I became tired of living on the edge.  I just wanted to live.

Stinking thinking said, I am horribly ugly and that is why you are alone. It took me a while to bounce from this one because all my life I thought I was ugly.  Later today, I realized, ugly is a harsh word, especially for one to use to describe self.  Though I am not pretty or cute or attractive, I am probably average.  Not hard on the eyes or people who not be able to look me in the face and smile back when I smile at them (doesn’t matter if I know them or not).

Stinking thinking says you are missing out on your grandchildren and on the important events in the life of your children.   The reality is, that I am limited to what I can do and where I can go and for how long.  I can see pictures of them and their aunt lets me know new things they are doing.  It is no where near the same as being there, but it is all I get.

Because of my bipolar, I cannot visit them for to long.  I truthfully have not been able to stay away from home for more than a few weeks without a mood shift.   Once that shift happens, I start going downhill and usually end up major depressed soon after I return home.  Some times I bounce back quicker than others. The last time was extremely hard.  It was the whole winter.  It was bipolar depression with suicide ideology and Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I guess I was sad because I am not involved in the lives of my family.  I feel like a throw away.  I miss out on all the important events. I see photos of everyone there except me.  Why am I am never made aware of major life events until after the fact.  This makes me feel left out of life.  I hate that feeling.  I hate how it makes me think, what it sometimes gives me a thought to do.  But it is what it is and I have to fight those thoughts and remember that even though I have a mental illness that does limit some things in my life, all things are not off limits.

I am grateful that while I do get lonely at times, I can live alone and care for myself.  I am compliant with taking my medication, seeing my therapist, keeping all Dr. appointments for my medical health and remembering that living healthy with mental illness takes work.  We cannot take anything for granted.

I cannot even take my thoughts for granted, that they are just thoughts.  Some of those thoughts are harmful, so I need to be aware of my thoughts.  I need to control my thoughts and not let them control me.  Make no mistake, that is the case whether you have a mental illness or not, however, with a mental illness our thoughts tend to take us into a dangerous realm where if we do not catch them, it can be harmful.

We cannot take sleep for granted.  My mind tells me every night, not to go to bed.  Let’s stay up.(definitely stinking thinking- who chooses to stay up or night when they don’t have to work).  I try and it gets me into trouble.  I eat more to stay up, that adds on empty calories and then I sleep only 5 hours at the most.  Sleep deprivation is tied to weight gain.  It also can bring on mania for me.  Sometimes it is the cause of my stinking thinking and then it takes  me into depression.

I am at my safe place now.  At the computer blogging.  I am surrounded by people (comforting even though I do not know them) at the library.  I can stay until the library closes and then another phase begins.  “I don’t want to go home”.  For what?  I need to be out.

So, when it is time to go, I will waste gas and drive to a store that probably does not have what I want anyway.  A waste, but it keeps me out a little longer.

Catch that stinking thinking.  It doesn’t matter if they are questions, irrational statements to self or others or if it is an illogical, irrational or dangerous action.  You are in control.  If you feel out of control, get help by phone or walk to someone who can help you.  Sometimes I most definitely cannot afford to be out of touch with people.  I will sink for sure.

take care,

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Stinking Thinking

The blog I posted earlier today was a result of being in the moment of stinking thinking.

I shut the ringer off on the phone. I was shutting everyone out. Then I checked and saw I had 2 text msg from my child. The above item was stinking thinking. She just wanted to remind me that I am more than the bipolar. I was thankful for that reminder. Sometimes I do forget. Stinking thinking will have you alone and paranoid if you don’t stop it.

Next time something doesn’t sound right or positive in your thoughts of how you interpret something said or done, ask yourself if this stinking thinking or is it me. I’m sure it will be thinking stinking.

People are more positive sometimes than we give them credit for.

Valuable lesson that needs to be posted: I am more than bipolar.  I am not bipolar.  I am a person living with bipolar.  I have it.  It does not have me.

Have an awesome day, because you are awesome.

I posted earlier was a result of stinking thinking.

Can you relate to any of this?

At times I displayed irrational behavior, my thinking was what I call “stinking thinking” (it was so unrealistic and untrue).   I would have angry outbursts that were full of rage.  I was given the name, “the hulk” by a dear friend after they saw me turn from being laid back to a raging maniac.  I was so enraged, I could have honestly hurt someone if that person had not calmed me down.

Sometimes it would take hours for me to totally calm down and when I did, I was exhausted.

At times, I would just get so full of rage that I could feel it in every part of my body.  I would speed whether on the highway or local roads.  I thought if I could just crash into a tree or a brick building, the rage would leave.  The thought of me getting hurt or hurting someone else was ludicrous.

Some days started out carefree.  Nothing bothered me.  Then as though someone had turned on a switch, I would become irritated at nothing.  The irritation would grow to the point of me screaming and yelling at my children for minor things.

The flip side: I would sit down for hours and write out business plans for several businesses.  I would be able to sit and type and research for hours. My mind was always racing from one idea to another.  There was nothing I could not accomplish.

Sometimes I was so wound up I would drive like I was on a racetrack. Sometimes I see visions of myself drowning, I am sure you get the point.  I was and sometimes still do  reacting to situations instead of taking time to think things through and respond.

I realize in writing this post that sometimes I used the past and sometimes the present.  The bottom line is that somethings have been controlled and plans have been put into action to deal with those things.  Somethings still happen.

Living with bipolar is an ongoing process.  I make it day by day and sometimes moment by moment.  It is work.  But I am willing to do it because I am worth it.