Need opinion, especially from men

 

Women you are more than welcome to comment.  I would love to hear your answers if you have had a similar experience.

I was hyper-sexual during my manic episode (what else is new).  This time I fixated on the maintenance guy.

His kind spirit, raspy voice and goatee, made him very handsome and  irresistible.  I wanted him to notice me as more than a tenant.  I know he could not because of his job.

Still, I wanted to share myself and he share himself.  (I think you know what I mean)

With all the flirting back and forth, it was only a matter of time before something climatic would happen and when it did, I was the leader and he was the prisoner.  I could do whatever I wanted and I did.

Months later I realized I was manic when all this was going on.  I would send him insane text messages letting him know I wanted him.  (how sad that I did this)  The thing about sending scheduled text messages is that you never know when you said too much.  Oh boy.

I definitely said too much.  Poured out my heart.  Damn it.  It was unnecessary and embarrassing when I crashed from mania and realized I must have seemed very immature or just a horny tenant.

It left me feeling great and annoyed with myself  at the same time.

The sadness and annoyance I feel is that I was upset because I believe men do not think about sexual climaxes after much flirting.  They enjoy the chase and the capture and when all is done, that’s it.  It is only a brief memory, never to enter their thoughts again.

“Is that really how it is.  You flirt with her and things build and build until there has to be a climatic ending?”.

“Do you put your clothes on and say thank you and leave?  Is this a hit it and quit it?

How long will you remember that one and only sexual encounter?

Does it last beyond the minute it takes you to get out the door and poof, you forget about it.

Part 1

 

 

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Afraid for love to find me

0519ad7f45b8bd8655979ccd7df7e3bd274216-wmThere are days I long for someone understanding of my bipolar,  to find me and love.

Most days I am sure that there is no one who is willing to  deal with or love me as a person with the ups and downs that come with the day to day uncertainly of bipolar mood swings.

I tried it once and it did not work out for many reasons.  Yet I feel that I have to a lot to offer in spite of my mental illness.  The symptoms of the illness may be stable for a while and then decide to show up. The symptoms are what happens but do not define me or what I have to offer someone.

Just because my love is there when things are  fine, will he still be there when I go from one end of the roller coaster to the next.

Will he grow tired of riding it out with me?  Will he have enough and regret his relationship with me.  Will he stay with me being unhappy and ruining any chance of happiness with someone.

I want love to be in a lover’s arm and feel secure that they will love me enough to be strong to ride the waves for me.  I think that is too much to hope.  If they stay, they may ruin their life.  If they go, it may feel like my life is ruined.  I don’t want to find love only to  have it leave in order to not ruin their life and find someone new.

The illustration says it all except more accurately my statement is:

I live with bipolar and want to someone to love and love me.  I am afraid for love to find me because I feel somewhere between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, I am afraid to give and receive love because I do not want to ruin their life.

Life is a gift and I try to treasure the present day as a such.  Yet, there are times when I long to be connected to someone who will not be afraid to stay no matter what end of the spectrum I am at because they will know we can make it together as long as we realize there is no guarantee  mania and depression will return.

Because he loves me and wants to only be with me, he will be beside during the highs and loves and be certain that no matter, I love and treasure him.

He take time to learn not only about the illness but how to help me through episodes, sometimes just being there and not saying a word.  Reassuring me of their love and not staying will not ruin their love but will make our love grow and our bond stronger.

I want to love, but will loving me cause him to one day feel like loving and being with me is ruining his life?

Time will tell, if I take the chance and accept love when it finds me

 

 

Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.

Memory problems

It seems as though every time I come to this site, it has changed.  It confuses me sometimes (which I am not ashamed to say)

Anyway, some time ago I realized I have a memory problem at times.

For example: when  my children were growing up, I thought I worked a lot of years for 12 months or more at each  job.  When I printed and viewed my Social Security statement, I saw that there were only 2 or 3 jobs at the most, that I worked a year, give or take a month or two either direction.  When I told my therapist we both agreed that, that was time I had lost.  No idea what happened during those months I thought I worked.

One time very recently, I asked my daughter how long she had been at her job.  She told me 1 year.  I argued with her for a while until she told me what year she started working.  It blew my mind I could not remember what I had done for a whole year.

Last year there was a problem with the months.  I felt as though I was at the end of being sane.  A friend of mine came over and was talking with me.  I thought we were in the month of June and kept saying  June.  It was actually July.  What happened that I got stuck in June.

I will argue with one family member.  This person has an excellent memory.  They forget nothing.  Every time they state something they have said to me, I argue that they did not. Most of the time, I know they said it, I just don’t remember and try not to let on that I forgot.  I try to get them to think they never said it in the first place.

I met a guy a while back.  We had a good time.  He even  texted me the next day that he had a good time.  When I did not hear from him, I thought he blew me off.  When he did answer his phone, he told me he was sick.  No problem right.  It seemed as though days passed and I did not hear from him.

I got angry and sent text messages for not calling me. I did not even remember what I had texted so I did not understand why he was so upset.   He called me quite upset and told me not to call him again.  At least that is what I believed I heard.  I cried as though we had been lovers when we had met one time.

He called me some time later.  I thought it had been months but it was actually only maybe a week or two at the most if that long.  The problem was on my part.  I had a problem with days and weeks.  I got angry for him not calling because I thought a week or two had passed.  It turned out, it had only been a couple of days.

I still lose days sometimes but not as bad.  Maybe because I have a calendar on my phone and I can look at it and see what day it is because it is highlighted.

Am I assuming I have memory problems or am I really?  Is this something everyone experiences whether they have a mental illness or not?

 

Which way is up?

The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.

The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany.  My normal zany, just making people laugh.  Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing.  But this is normal for me.

Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes.  I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage.  I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one.  I cannot explain it.  My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.

I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel.  This is even more illogical than usual for mania.  I don’t understand it.  How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day.  It happens this way everyday for months.

Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again.  I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness.  It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise.  I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.

My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front.  The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center.  No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays.  It is the ruler.  I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.

Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me.  Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness.  Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now.  I am a grown woman.  Can we think of some other word to call it.  Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.

My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior.  Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness.  I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania.  I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends.  It is, what it is.

I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life.  I get up every morning and just keep it moving.  When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on.  I have to live and not worry about that.  I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock.  I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.

Honey, where are you?  🙂  Oh well, I guess he is not here yet.  He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.

pb: Love to all

Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.

Three for three

The last three mornings I have been wide awake between 3 and 3:30 am regardless of what time I go to bed.

So far there are no signs of mania but I do feel like myself.  A self that I am ok with.  I’m not setting fires and impulse control is better.

I get a little irritated here and there but it lasts for a moment.  I am keeping a check on it such as why, how often and how long it lasts.

Although I feel good, I am not feeling on top of the world.  I am not taking on projects but learning to focus on one thing at a time.  I can even read a book.

Is this what normal is supposed to feel like?  I could stand just a little zaniness to spice things up but I’d better stay in the safe zone.

However, I do miss the adrenaline rush I get when I have more than one project on the burner at a time.  It gives life an extra boost.  My days seem so exciting and every day is sunshine.

I’m at the party, but not the life of the party.  Learning to have a good time without the craziness of mania.

Anxiety is down and I am able to get things done.  I’m okay

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Feel like running

English: Wentworth running track
English: Wentworth running track (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Went to bed with restless legs last night.  Felt like I could run a race.

I don’t know when I dropped off to sleep, but I got up around 6 a.m.  Wow

Have not done that in a while.  I believe God granted me that sleep.

Woke up this morning and have felt the same anxiousness in my legs.  I have paced and walked the floor since I got up this morning.  It feels like from the waist down is functioning faster than the rest of me except my fingers across the keyboard.  Now I am sitting here typing as fast as my legs are moving.

I don’t know if it is the new dose of the anti-depressant patch or just regular anxiety taken to another level.

I suppose there could be something in my subconscious making me anxious.

Took anxiety medication almost 15 minutes or so ago and it doesn’t seem to be letting up.

The last time it was this bad, I walked the floor for almost 2 hours and before that for 4 hours.

I do feel better today, emotionally than I did a few days ago.  I do not feel depressed.

I wonder if this anxiousness or whatever this constant movement is, is part of mania?  Time today will tell.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Signs and Symptoms

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Sometimes when I share with people how I am feeling, I get feedback like, ” I feel like that sometimes, I must be bipolar” or “Anyone would get angry about that, everyone must have a little bit of bipolar”.  What they do not realize is that these statements are offensive to me because they play down how serious bipolar is.  There is no comparison.

I have included the following information as a way to help people without bipolar disorder understand some things. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic-depression.

Information is taken from the National Institute of Mental Health website.   I hope you find it helpful to share with family and friends.

Signs & Symptoms

People with bipolar disorder experience unusually intense emotional states that occur in distinct periods called “mood episodes.” Each mood episode represents a drastic change from a person’s usual mood and behavior. An overly joyful or overexcited state is called a manic episode, and an extremely sad or hopeless state is called a depressive episode. Sometimes, a mood episode includes symptoms of both mania and depression. This is called a mixed state. People with bipolar disorder also may be explosive and irritable during a mood episode.

Extreme changes in energy, activity, sleep, and behavior go along with these changes in mood. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are described below.

Symptoms of mania or a manic episode include:

Symptoms of depression or a depressive episode include:

Mood Changes

  • A long period of feeling “high,” or an overly happy or outgoing mood
  • Extreme irritability

Behavioral Changes

  • Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts
  • Being easily distracted
  • Increasing activities, such as taking on new projects
  • Being overly restless
  • Sleeping little or not being tired
  • Having an unrealistic belief in one’s abilities
  • Behaving impulsively and engaging in pleasurable, high-risk behaviors
Mood Changes

  • An overly long period of feeling sad or hopeless
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

Behavioral Changes

  • Feeling tired or “slowed down”
  • Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
  • Being restless or irritable
  • Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits
  • Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.

Bipolar disorder can be present even when mood swings are less extreme. For example, some people with bipolar disorder experience hypomania, a less severe form of mania. During a hypo-manic episode, you may feel very good, be highly productive, and function well. You may not feel that anything is wrong, but family and friends may recognize the mood swings as possible bipolar disorder. Without proper treatment, people with hypomania may develop severe mania or depression.

Bipolar disorder may also be present in a mixed state, in which you might experience both mania and depression at the same time. During a mixed state, you might feel very agitated, have trouble sleeping, experience major changes in appetite, and have suicidal thoughts. People in a mixed state may feel very sad or hopeless while at the same time feel extremely energized.

Sometimes, a person with severe episodes of mania or depression has psychotic symptoms too, such as hallucinations or delusions. The psychotic symptoms tend to reflect the person’s extreme mood. For example, if you are having psychotic symptoms during a manic episode, you may believe you are a famous person, have a lot of money, or have special powers. If you are having psychotic symptoms during a depressive episode, you may believe you are ruined and penniless, or you have committed a crime. As a result, people with bipolar disorder who have psychotic symptoms are sometimes misdiagnosed with schizophrenia.

People with bipolar disorder may also abuse alcohol or substances, have relationship problems, or perform poorly in school or at work. It may be difficult to recognize these problems as signs of a major mental illness.

Bipolar disorder usually lasts a lifetime. Episodes of mania and depression typically come back over time. Between episodes, many people with bipolar disorder are free of symptoms, but some people may have lingering symptoms.

Surviving the different storms of bipolar

I now consider it a storm when I am manic or depressed. I thought I just about had it managed and then I started having mixed episodes, paranoia and hallucinations.  Still a storm but it was more like a hurricane.  I felt like my life was turned upside down.  I had no idea how I was going to react to anything or anyone.

For a while I would be even keel and having a good time.  Then it seemed like someone turned on a switch on in me and I started getting sad.  Then I became extremely anxious.

I took my anxiety medication and was calm for a period of time.  Then in the store, the switch was turned on and I became irritated and enraged, to the point I wanted to hurt the first person who said something to me.  No matter what it was it pissed me off and I was inches away from hurting them.  It was at the gas station and because I walked past them and did not hit them, I was still in the danger zone.  I waited for a moment for them to leave the store so I could ram their car.  But fortunately for them and by the grace of God, I did not see them.  Yet , I knew I was in trouble.  This was my rage and I could not escape it.

Thanks to my wellness toolkit plan, not to drive when manic, well I had no choice.  I could not stay at the gas station.  So I drove slow and safe to someone’s house that I knew and stayed until I calmed down.  Fortunately they were not home, so I was there alone.  That was the end of my outside day.   I and the people I would meet had I stayed or gone back out, were safe for the rest of the day.  This was a really bad storm.

Content with the day, then very anxious which turned to extreme irritation and ultimately rage.  It is tiring and frustrating.  Some days, I don’t even bother to go out depending on how I feel when I get up.

I just wish the people in my life would understand, it is not something I can control.  It is a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I cannot control these mood swings and reactions any more than a diabetic can control the amount of insulin their body naturally produces.

Getting to know your moods

When I am hypomanic, I am very creative.  Can get a lot of projects done.  Have tons of energy.

When I start feeling more than hypomanic, escalating into full blown mania, I lose focus.  I get easily frustrated when plans don’t come together or I can’t even come up with a plan to get a project done.

Full mania.  I am erractic, all over the place mentally and physically.  Can’t stay in one place for to long.

Mixed episodes.  I think this is the roughest type of episode for me.  To be manic and depressed at the same time.  Sometimes it is a matter of feeling hyper one moment and a switch goes on and I get depressed.  Want to cry, isolate myself, things like that.  If I figure out my mood when the signs start, I can use something in my toolbox to keep it from escalating.

Even keel.  Laid back.  Don’t really get any work done.  Like to be out, visiting with family and friends.  No hurry, no worries.

Get to know your moods and the signs leading up to full mania or depression.  If you know when the switch has been turned on you have enough time to use a tool from your wellness toolbox and keep it from escalating.

Have a great mental health day.  Find someone who makes you laugh.  Who knows you and loves you for you.